Eyes wide shut mouth widely yawning,
But something wasn’t right..
My light had gotten dimmer.
The darkness consumed me.
I’d felt the change from deep within.
A paradigm shift that was unseen.
My ball of positivity put out like a flame in the wind.
The hidden negativity came out to play.
I was weak.
My mind simply accepted the change and revelled in it.
Basked in the glory of the sadness that were my emotions.
One bad move after another.
Eating? Never that important.
Communication? Not very effective.
Happiness? Apparent only please.
Life? Is it worth it?
I used to hear talk about depression and think really?
But my mind can now comprehend exactly what that is.
The world is an unkind place.
You speak out and get called pretender.
You keep it in and get labelled the quiet emo.
You resort to painting your body and get called an attention seeker.
Worse still, you put on a fake smile and the world will not sense the loss of your happiness.
So you sit alone in the dark at night and cry.
But when crying gets too unfulfilling,
You turn to your body.
Find a sharp object so that you can have an outlet for all those pent up emotions and confusion.
First strike and the pain gives you a sense of freedom.
Second strike and the pain is like a drug.
On the third go, you feel better.
Then you tell yourself that this is the last time that you’ll paint your body.
Because it is art, isn’t it?
And we all love art don’t we?
The scars remind us of how bad it can get…
ergo, they also remind us of how good an artist we can be right?
**Oh right…not funny i suppose?**
I’ve learnt not to judge people for the things they do because who am i?
No really, WHO AM I?
and in what right am i to judge their actions without walking through their shoes?
Without actually going out of my way to find out the cause of their distress?
Without casting them aside saying, you know there are people out there with bigger problems?
Why do people tell you there are bigger problems out there?
So apparently because there are people out there with more serious problems then you shouldn’t feel burdened?
But they don’t tell you that you should never be happy because there’s someone out there feeling happier than you are, do they?
But my world shifted again and like a dove i feel free.
Happy and positive even.
Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies.
Pain that runs way too deep.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
About nothing and everything.
Simply because my own thoughts are suffocating.
Introverts and extroverts alike.
All in the same boat.
So won’t you talk to me?
Call me and say a meaningless hello every now and then?
Simply don’t let me be alone with my thoughts.
.Part 1 of 4.
*Reader Discretion. Some of the pieces i put up will leave you on the throes of a breakdown. But then again, once I’m done, you will learn to realize that it’s the little things that tend to matter the most. Pace Yourselves.*
Whitney Houston _ Didn’t Know My Own Strength.
All my love,
Hellos and Goodbyes and How are you doings?,
From a cool little corner of Nairobi,