Always A Lesson


.

I’m pacing up and down…

Same spot no progress.

The wear can be seen visibly yet i choose not to move.

I’m comfortable here.

I’m kinda sorta used to it here.

I’m not ready to move forward, back or sideways.

I won’t jump.

I won’t sleep nor lay down.

Is this the famous lack of motivation?

Or am I just really lazy?

Some say that you have to fight for those things that you want.

Fight the good fight.

That for which you fight, ought to be right.

Be the achiever that you’ve set your mind to be.

But what if the mind is not in it until it’s too late?

Until the opportunity is lost in the abyss like ink in water?

What then?

Because you can never be fully prepared for the failure bit.

Never be fully attuned to your expectations being shattered.

Noone really picks you up once you’re down and out.

But then again, noone tells you that you should be ready for disappointment.

Noone tells you not to be too hard on yourself.

Noone tells you that you should expect to fail though.

All they and yourself preach is that “i’ll get it the first time.”

And when reality checks in…

You want to run and hide.

But truth is, mistakes are made for a reason.

until youre broken

Learning from them is always the hardest part.

I have to put out my flame of pride to pick myself up off the ground?

I have to sit down and reflect on that failure?

I have to find a way to get back up?

With my own determination to push me forward?

Well, that’s not so hard.

Well, that’s not too bad.

Never a failure always a lesson right?

never

 

So learn I will…

Long arduous process but it must be done.

A million steps but all of them we must follow.

In order to live, we must grow.

In order to grow, we need to let go.

In order to let go, we need to know.

that,

In order to reap we must first sow.

failure

. . . (part 3 of  4) . . .

 

***Afterglow  by Wilkinson

Even though the dancing’s done,

Don’t worry cause the night is young

Who cares where we go

We’re ready for the afterglow.

 

All my love,

Hellos and Goodbyes and How are you doings?,

From a cool little corner of Nairobi,

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

 

Another “Vantage” Point


rabbit hol

 

i’ve been mentally abused.

My abuser? Someone that I know.

Someone that I see in the mirror each time I look into it.

Someone that i’m living life for but seems unappreciative.

Someone whose thoughts warrant my listening.

Someone whose approval I crave.

….That someone is ME.

I hold enough power to destroy myself from within.

I stand at the best vantage point to do this and I do take advantage.

Because there’s no better way to destroy something than to kill it internally.

Kill is a strong word.

But it has to be said as is.

Am I too hard on myself?

Yes, I AM.

 

sword thoughts

How do you overcome this?

You can’t block out your thoughts can you?

So sometimes you end up lashing out at someone else;

Because they’ve said something that sounds insanely close to what you’ve been thinking,

Because they’re doing something that brought you back into the shell that is your thoughts,

Because they’ve finally discovered what a “nutcase” you are,

Because you’ve decided to link everything in a broad network of interconnected yet unrelated thoughts,

Because you’ve decided to do as they tend to call it “Overthinking”,

Because once something is put out into the universe, it can’t be taken back,

Because you would rather live in your own world than let other people in on your suffering,

Because you would rather not be the proverbial burden,

Because this thing called life always just goes on….

hanging on

thoughts

*Reader Discretion. Some of the pieces i put up will leave you on the throes of a breakdown. But then again, once I’m done,  you will learn to realize that the little things to you tend to be the big things to other people.  Pace Yourselves.*

(part 2 of 4)

Like i said,, at the end of part 4,,,it shall be explained. so Indulge your minds …or not… :)

 

and just listen to this random song that is so coolo and hippy.esc:

 The Head And The Heart – Lost In My Mind

 

All my love,

Hellos and Goodbyes and How are you doings?,

From a cool little corner of Nairobi,

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

 

View From Within


ThomasI woke up one morning,

Eyes wide shut mouth widely yawning,

But something wasn’t right..

My light had gotten dimmer.

The darkness consumed me.

I’d felt the change from deep within.

A paradigm shift that was unseen.

My ball of positivity put out like a flame in the wind.

The hidden negativity came out to play.

I was weak.

My mind simply accepted the change and revelled in it.

Basked in the glory of the sadness that were my emotions.

One bad move after another.

Eating? Never that important.

Communication? Not very effective.

Happiness? Apparent only please.

Life? Is it worth it?

I used to hear talk about depression and think really?

But my mind can now comprehend exactly what that is.

The world is an unkind place.

You speak out and get called pretender.

You keep it in and get labelled the quiet emo.

You resort to painting your body and get called an attention seeker.

Worse still, you put on a fake smile and the world will not sense the loss of your happiness.

So you sit alone in the dark at night and cry.

But when crying gets too unfulfilling,

You turn to your body.

Find a sharp object so that you can have an outlet for all those pent up emotions and confusion.

First strike and the pain gives you a sense of freedom.

Second strike and the pain is like a drug.

On the third go, you feel better.

Then you tell yourself that this is the last time that you’ll paint your body.

Because it is art, isn’t it?

And we all love art don’t we?

The scars remind us of how bad it can get…

ergo, they also remind us of how good an artist we can be right?

**Oh right…not funny i suppose?**

I’ve learnt not to judge people for the things they do because who am i?

No really, WHO AM I?

and in what right am i to judge their actions without walking through their shoes?

Without actually going out of my way to find out the cause of their distress?

Without casting them aside saying, you know there are people out there with bigger problems?

Bigger problems?

*PAUSE*

Why do people tell you there are bigger problems out there?

So apparently because there are people out there with more serious problems then you shouldn’t feel burdened?

But they don’t tell you that you should never be happy because there’s someone out there feeling happier than you are, do they?

*UNPAUSE*

But my world shifted again and like a dove i feel free.

Happy and positive even.

Life can’t always be rainbows and butterflies.

Pain that runs way too deep.

I wish I had someone to talk to.

About nothing and everything.

Simply because my own thoughts are suffocating.

Introverts and extroverts alike.

All in the same boat.

So won’t you talk to me?

Call me and say a meaningless hello every now and then?

Simply don’t let me be alone with my thoughts.

.Part 1 of 4.

*Reader Discretion. Some of the pieces i put up will leave you on the throes of a breakdown. But then again, once I’m done,  you will learn to realize that it’s the little things that tend to matter the most.  Pace Yourselves.*

Whitney Houston _ Didn’t Know My Own Strength.

All my love,

Hellos and Goodbyes and How are you doings?,

From a cool little corner of Nairobi,

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

Temporary Hiatus


So the other day I got to thinking  and I realized that I need a break.  Like an unscheduled break.  I’ve been thinking..
I’ve been thinking… Waduup Beyonce reference)
…. Hehehehehe.

Anywho my inspiration for the blog may have flown away unannounced.  I woke up like this one day and realized that I can’t keep writing stuff when my heart and mind are in two different places.  And so I’ve  decided to take a break from this blogging world… I’m a lost soul like I said in my previous post here: Things On My Mind
.. I’m floating through space and time with an air of indifference that’s pretty uncool and unsettling… I’ve simply just been going through the motions
.. I’m taking a mental break from this *gestures wildly at the blog page *… Temporarily  I must add though.

 

I’m completely sorry for not having put anything up in the past two months but now that you’re informed, my mind is at peace.

Got to get that brain juice and what not to keep you guys entertained.

Rest easy, dream sweet, love always and stay positive.

 

I’ll just be here waiting for my serendipity… That’s all.

image

See you soon my lovers of life.

The only way from here is UP and I’ll be back within no time…(p.s why does this phrase even exist? It hardly makes any sense…there’s no such thing as NO TIME bruuuh)

 

p.s. Pray for Gaza.

gaza

Your very own African Hippie,
From a cool corner in Nairobi,  Kenya,

Red velvet cake and kikoys and lessos, kisses, love, peace and positive vibes,

.theafricangirl.
*Mapenzi.Love* :)

Things On My Mind


positivefuturist20130618x

 

I’m confused because my mind is in a void,

Because I woke up in the morning to news of a fallen soldier.

 

I’m distressed,,,why am I still alive?

Yet a child that would’ve been greater than myself did not survive,

His body did not thrive.

 

My heart aches.

For the children in the streets,

That have a concrete floor for seats,

And lack proper bed sheets.

 

I’m amazed, at life that’s all there is.

Two polar opposites coming together for success.

Sorry I digress,

But then again, some things I must confess.

My life is not all rainbows and butterflies.

I’m a troubled soul with no salvation in sight,

I’m a troubled soul walking the earth surrounded by fellow troubled souls.

 

imagesi

My brain is riddled with thoughts,

Thoughts that someone my age should not attract,

Company that someone my age is told to “subtract”,

With whom we shouldn’t interact.

But the heart wants what the heart wants, right?

Looking for love in all the wrong places,

Falling in defeat when the love you find is not that which you seek.

Yet out there,,,there’s hope that you’ll get stronger,

Become the survivor.

Make proud your mother.

Live to love

 

I need a castle in the sky,

To hide away when I need to simply lie,

there and do nothing,

 

I need a vacation from myself.

I need a vacation from this life.

I feel way too unlucky at this point in time.

I feel like I’m being reprimanded for a crime.

Like my life is suddenly sour-lime,

But then again, these are simply feelings.

 

I’m confused

Because my mind is in a void

Because I woke up to the news of a fallen soldier,

And that soldier, I now realize, is me.

 

images

But I’m all about those Positive Thoughts.

Positive Vibes.

Positive Auras.

 

It’s not your thoughts that determine who you are,

but what you do about those thoughts.

 

Katy Perry – Choose Your Battles

 

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

 

K-E-N-Y-A


images

 

Beautiful faces,

Way too many places,

Years of divine paces,

Peace and unity have been her aces,

But to think that a couple of incidents have made her fall from her own graces?

 

Please, she’s a victim of bad decisions.

She’s a pawn in the wrong playing field.

She’s been dragged into a dispute without her shield.

She’s been brought out to do battle but without any weapon to wield.

She’s being thrust into a world that no-one understands…

 

War? Nobody’s going to war.

No-one stops to ask the question, what purpose is it for?

There’s never need for an uproar,

You’re not a lion so sit down on a cold floor…

 

and Meditate..

better yet appreciate.

The beauty that she has to offer.

The same that we choose to admire her for.

 

My Land is Kenya

 

Take  a trip to the Mara…

Look at her wildlife and the swara.

Go down to the coast

See for yourself why of the sandy white beaches she can boast.

What about Turkana?

I know it’s a bit deserted but you won’t look for manna.

They have resorts and out of this world experiences and you get to enjoy the fauna.

Hello Isiolo…

no no…no more y.o.l.o.

And Olepolos?

Tell me you haven’t been to indulge in the nyama choma and the ambiance that could have you doing singing solos.

And in the middle of this great nation?

So much greenery and calmness, rainforests and adventures waiting for your exploration.

Her lake side city,

Where remarks are ever so witty..

yeah, I’m talking about Kisumu City,

Where lake side restaurants are ever so pretty.

Nakuru?

You know NaxVegas to some…

And Naivasha.

There’s only so much that this beautiful country has to offer,

I can’t describe it all because some I’ve yet to discover.

Or imply stay in Nairobi,

Check out her park and amazing skyline,

Beautiful from which ever side you see it she’ll still be fine,

Her mix of cultures, so divine.

kenya_businessinvestment_main

It’s a pity,

That there’s always so much negativity,

revolving around this here country,

yet no-one’s willing to speak up about her sheer beauty.

 

So let’s take a journey.

For now, just don’t think about the money.

Traverse and discover the hidden treasures that she has to offer.

 

Tusker

 

K-E-N-Y-A. #TembeaKenya

 

Camp Mulla – If You Believe

 

with love and affection,

written from the heart of this insanely beautiful country,

chicken choma, mukimo, githeri, tilapia fillet, nyama choma, tusker and all yummy goodness,

imagesh

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

*the images used in this post are courtesy of Google.*

Memoires Of A Younger Sister


images

Dear Big Sister,

 

Having an elder sister such as yourself to provide an amazing beacon of hope for me through my formative years is simply godsend.

I’ll forever be grateful for the random times we shared and will share together.

When I was younger and had nightmares, it was your bed that I would jump into.

When I was in primary school looking lost and tiny, you introduced me to your group of friends and I was everyone’s little sister for a couple of years…yeah,,, I knew class eights when I was in class one so bullies didn’t stand a chance.

When I’d selected schools to go to for either secondary or university, mum would say that you had the same choices in mind…which can only be possible because we share that sister-sister telepathy.

 

I remember when I used to steal your clothes and wear them outside because all I had in my closet were shorts, t-shirts and sweatpants…none of the pretty pretty tops and dresses… and when you found out, you’d get so mad and then I would tell you that I hadn’t taken them. And then hours later you would have forgiven me and all was right with the world again…until the next petty fight we’d have. An endless cycle.

imagesann

All my friends, back then, knew who you were and at any one point in time, if they saw you outside they would rush back and tell me “I saw your sister and she said Hi to me”.

 

So many girls out there with sisters, cry foul and complain that they grew up in their sister’s shadow…but that has never come into my mind.

I was born into a world that you had already taken over by storm and a couple of years later a tiny kinky haired baby girl was set in-front of your path and the universe told you to lead her the right way…a protege of sorts.

 

It didn’t take you too long to claim that I was your own kid. Mum probably used to sit and laugh as she watched how you handled the “doll(Me)” and stole my cerelac(yes, I have heard this story….) and it had to be replaced with mashed pumpkins. (eeeeeew).

index

 

There’s never enough words to express all these years of surviving on this earth with an amazing role-model as yourself.

 

You protected me from my brothers when they forgot the fact that I was a girl and partly fragile when it comes to being hit in the face by a football.

 

Sharing your things with me was a mandatory(because little sister privilege) but that changed over the years and now I’m the one who gets annoyed because you took my stuff without asking…and then I later stop to think and I realize that “Hey, you’re my sister,,,I used your stuff through half of my life so returning the favor is a given(because karma/law of the universe)”.

 

You sparked my love for life, music(ok, maybe not neo-soul though), beauty and all things enriching to the soul. Like the moon to a lost soul in the dark, you were my guide through the years.

 

When I think of courage, I think of you. When I think of love, I think of you. When I think of respect, I think of you.

But you probably already know this.

Where your life is at, is how I see my life in a couple of years.

I’ll always look up to you.

 

The first girl(notice i said girl and not woman because that spot is for mummy)…so the first girl I knew was my best-friend even when I played with boys and came home with clothes caked in mud instead of playing doll house with the other girls.

 

Though that changed when we became sort-of obsessed with Gilmore girls and sister-sister(remember Tia and Tamera)

sis

You’ll always accept me regardless because you know that when it comes down to it, you fit the meaning of “MY RIDE OR DIE Chick“.

 

And so you’ll probably read this in the office and start gushing and whatever,,,nope,,,I’ll not say this to your face just so you know. And I shall act as I always do,,,with the mindset that emotions are “icky” and should never be shown. However, gifts are accepted,,,jewellery, shoes. Thanks. ;)

 

I’ll say this quietly and so softly you might never hear it because I hope you already know. I’ll say it in the way I worry for you when you haven’t been in contact for a while. I’ll say it at night when I whisper your blessings into the darkness that swallows up my words. I’ll say nothing at all because there’s nothing left when you try to articulate something more than gratitude.

 

Just know that I shall forever love you, and I approve of all that makes you happy because infinitely it makes me happy as well in a round about way.

jikj

I used to despise being called your little sister but now that I’ve discovered the real gem that it is growing up with a treasure such as yourself, the name can stay.

 

 

With love,

Your little-not-so-little sister,

Your annoying younger sister that all your friends insist is ever the sweetheart,

That little girl who considers you her mentor/role model/I wanna be like you when I grow up,

calm

 

*Disclaimer: It was one of those sentimental mornings and I simply felt like I needed to acknowledge such a pillar of positivity and awesomeness. Blame it on the oestrogen.

 

enjoy

Sister Sister soundtrack

AND:

The Cheetah Girls -Sisters

Our spots are different
Different colors
We make each other stronger
That ain’t ever gonna change

 

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

I Woke Up To This


I woke up to this comment someone left regarding the previous blog-post: Provoke Your Thoughts :

“My answer for No. 20 Is a definite YES. I look at the people living in Africa and my heart goes out to them…such little civilization and struggling to live each day, not knowing where they’ll get water or food. This really made me re-evaluate my life.
Thanks.”

 

I’m shaking my head in disappointment right now. I suppose this beautiful reader is new to these talks about Africa. Have they been to the continent? Naaah,,,just the same way I’ve never been to their country of origin but I don’t assume things. :)

 

I won’t leave your comments there, on the post, because I know there are people who go onto the internet solely to look-up “misinformed” comments and get into arguments in-front of their laptop/PC/iPad screens. Say NO to cyber bullying.

 

Is-Africa-a-Country

Just get your facts right.

It’s never fun to look ignorant on the internet.

Little civilization? I’m sorry,,,you read this blog off the internet…it’s mind boggling how it got there if i live in a place of little civilization. :)

I won’t correct you because there’s probably a multitude of guys just like you out there with the same thoughts and stands and it really wouldn’t make a difference.

Happy that you re-evaluated your life,,,that’s always a plus. :)

Hakuna Matata yo. :)

 

Kofi Annan once said that:

“Knowledge is power, Information is liberating, Education is the premise of progress, in every society and in every family. “

Africa-Day-2

Because music is what keeps us moving. :)

Clean Bandit- Rather Be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-M1AtrxztU

and then there’s a cool cover done by some cool kid I may or may not know: acoustic, amazing voices, hello….#SeeYourLife

John Kyalo – Rather Be Cover

With that,

#PrayForKenya

#PrayForSouthSudan

#PrayForPeace

essere felici – be happy.

love, fried chicken, cheese(melted and stringy), red velvet cake, cookies and cream, orange juice, hakuna matata,

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

Provoke Your Thoughts


So, I discovered a couple of random questions and added some of my own to the mix,,,Took me ages to properly and truthfully answer them and I have yet to complete the list.

 

begins end of comfort

1. What would people say about you at your funeral?

2. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

3. What would you do different if you were reborn?

4. When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?

5. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?

6. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?

7. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?

thing ahhead

 

8. If you could make a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?

message to the world

 

9. If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?

10. If you could ask 1 person just one question, and they would answer honestly, what would you ask them and who would you ask?

11. What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?

12. If this were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you were about to do today?

13. If your life was a movie, what would be the title?

14. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

15. How could you describe yourself in 5 words?

16. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?

chances

 

17. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old are you?

18. If not now, then when?

19. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

20. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?

21. If you had to choose between a book or a movie what would you choose?

22. If you could see your whole life till now on a movie would you enjoy it?

nelson

23. If someone came up to you and handed you a book and you started reading it and realized it was a book about your entire life would you read it until the end?

24…. still thinking of more questions. :)

Try answer the questions if you want and see how you view yourself. It’s all about the randoms in life, ayy?

 

I feel like this post resembles my tumblr page( http://moxie-m.tumblr.com/) ,,,so many random photo thingies. :D :D

Have amazing weekends,

#ListenToSouthSudan

#PrayForNairobi

#PrayForTheWorld

love, orange juice, fried chicken, chocolate cake, peace,

Hello, Goodbye.

.theafricangirl.

*Mapenzi.Love* :)

 

 

See Your Life


Alright alright alriiiiiight,,,you gon’ learn today.

If you don’t know that reference,,, #SeeYourLife. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qg0dFIED204 )

p.s. I start from 9 because that’s as far back as I can properly remember)

When I was 9 years old, I remember asking my mother for a pair of heels,,,I’d seen Beyoncé rocking them in music videos, I’d watched my mum elegantly leave for work in them every morning. Watched her with her lipstick stash and all I could think about was,,,I want that.

At 13 years old, I thought, I wish I was 18 because there’s more than enough rules and things I don’t get to do.

At 18, I remember thinking to myself “How I wish I was 8 years old again, playing in the sun all day, with the boys might I add because my brothers were my heroes. I wished I’d lived in the moment for the past 18 years because now I’m beyond the age where people say “She’s still young”.

 

Now all I can think of is “exactly what am I going to do after I’m done with my four years at Varsity?”
Because I come from a conventional African family where if I say that I want to become a poet or an artist, I’ll be forced to rethink my own sanity,,,to think about white-collar 9-5 jobs. Sitting in the office is sad on your butt. :(

But then I realized something, I’ve spent a couple of years on this earth and all I mainly do  is regret stuff and wish I was in a different setting.

Tough luck because I can’t change my past.

The past is the stepping stone for a greater future.

 

However, my future is another deal altogether.

From this point on, I want to look back at my life 50 years down the line and think “Woah!!! I lived and loved and I’m satisfied. I would change nothing about it.”

Starts with today,,,i’ll do what I can with these 24 hours and see how satisfied I am at the end. :) Live in the present,,,because it’s gifted not guaranteed.

CARPE DIEM.

In my sixties, I want to fall in love again with the people who are still around me, having cocktails at the country club. (hahahaha!!! Too many random movies)

In my fifties,(The Golden Years) I’ll be doing yoga and possibly heading back to school. You know pHD things and Doctor Of Science stuff.

In my forties, stay up all night chatting with the friends that I’ll still have.

In my thirties, learn something new and amazing. It can be mentally renewed for all I care.

In my twenties, live more, regret less. Not too much of a free spirit but a free spirit nonetheless.

I hope my life is full of wisdom and joyous youthfulness.
That I shall not be held back because of a mere number.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBqzrj18S2w

 

 

Let’s not live too fast…when you feel like life is coming in extremely large doses, step back, take a deep breath and smile. :)

p.s In-case the news passed you guys, I got a soul-mate,,,his name is Orange Juice,,,freshly squeezed or fresh packed juice(DelMontes and PickAndPeels). :)

 

p.p.s Remember that amazing salon cc. HairmonySalon I constantly rant rave about?

Well,,,they have an amazing offer this week (13th April to 20th April).

check their page out for contact details and things(^the link two sentences back^)….no disappointments there.

 

Yours blogerly (look at that sign off…I woke up like this),

 

.theafricangirl.
*Mapenzi.Love* :)