Hello my doves.
I’m about to start with the usual apologies…I haven’t been on here in such a while. I feel like you all need an explanation or pretty much something to get y’all happy enough to read this post. My reason is as elementary as they come…
I lost my desire to write I forgot my password. It happens. If y’all know me or have read my blog the past couple of years, you know by now that my memory is my most unforgiving quality…plus it seems to be worse when I happen to have a gazillion passwords taking up space in my brain frame. I blame it on the internet and its insistence to let you stay logged in for so long that it hardly ever occurs to you to remember that there was a password input option.
Anywho, enough about my trivial issues and problems with passwords and excuses….let’s get into the post for today at least (before I forget the content).
1. make or become different.
2. take or use another instead of.
I remember a piece of advice I got a minute ago. It was that change happens whether you notice it or not. Have you ever realized that you never really remember how you looked in the mirror yesterday or a few years ago (unless you have selfies to refer to, but even then you sit and question if that face really belongs to you)?
Sometimes we stare at our reflections in the mirror and ask whether we’ve changed and by how much…knowing that because we’re completely used to seeing our faces, we don’t notice how it changes day by day.
One minute you’re staring at your baby face and fast-forward a few years later you’ve noticed a wrinkle on your forehead and you have to remember who it is that you’re looking at. Ok, maybe it’s just me who has these thoughts in her head. ….Really? Y’all don’t forget how you looked yesterday? I mean you have a general idea but you can’t exactly recall what your face looked like the day before? …hehehe…if you don’t have this struggle, then neither do I.
Back to change.
Most changes are pointed out by people who are around you enough to notice the details. Forget that distant auntie who reminds you about how the last time they saw you was when you were 2 months old… come on. What is the point of that statement? No quiero entender.
You may not realize that you’ve changed in some way but there are people around you who manage to catch the small things. You also tend to notice how others morph as opposed to your own self.
Over the past month, I went on a bit of a soul-searching mission. I hadn’t planned on it, but certain things happened or kept happening which led me to wonder exactly what the hell is going on and why did I seem to have been caught unaware.
Adulting is, in my book, an absolutely made-up concept. Hear me out though. I think it’s a farce how one day you wake up and suddenly you have to take care of yourself, your thoughts, your relationships, your heart…It’s a lot to take on.
Sometimes you get caught up in the schedules and repetition of activities in your life and like me, wake up one morning with an overwhelming feeling of the unknown. The “Who am I?” , the “Where am I?” the “Why am I?”, the “When am I?” and finally the “What am I?”. I woke up feeling suffocated and uneasy about my own state of mind. I think it was a mental breakdown and I was emotional about even the thought of getting ready to go to work. It had come as no surprise though, seeing as the week before that, I had cried at my desk every damn morning. The overwhelming feeling that life was catching up with me and I wasn’t ready to deal with it.
A whole episode of constantly wanting and needing to crawl back into bed and spend my day in the blissful escape that is sleep. But nope! I couldn’t have that because I had to be at work. It was a vicious cycle that was suffocating and demoralizing. I was lost. Lost in my mind and in being lost in my mind, I was lost to everyone around me.
So I had a sit down with myself after a particularly intense hyperventilation episode and analyzed what was happening in and around my life that all of a sudden made me feel super overwhelmed. After months, I had realized that I had stopped giving myself that much-needed “Me Time” to reset and reload. I had gotten so busy that I no longer did the things that brought me at least a semblance of joy. I had refrained from thinking about anything else other than work and baking and work and baking and work and baking. I was stuck in a loop.
I had changed.
Without realizing it, I had changed and I didn’t like it.
Someone once said that adulting is a constant battle of crying to yourself and ignoring the anxiety and pushing through. What they don’t tell you though, is that one day, you burn out and life no longer holds that appeal. I think it’s the worst mentality to have. To “just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll get better.” Darling, something only gets better when you change an aspect of it so it functions better. So doing the same thing and expecting a change has to be the dumbest mentality one can have. Real Talk.
After my month of feeling like I was stuck in a rut and having lost the “ME” I was before, I sat down and just breathed. Deep deep breaths that moved my entire body. Deep deep breaths that made me feel as though I could smell the salty ocean water from 460km away. Deep deep breaths that had me feeling lighter…or maybe I was light-headed…come to think of it, it may have been the latter. Deep deep breaths that left me feeling uplifted (Again, it may have been light headedness 😀 ).
I came across a social media post by Nayyirah Waheed:
Change is inevitable and can catch you unaware but the thing to keep you level-headed is to simply pause, breathe and reset every so often so that the feeling of being overwhelmed doesn’t get too strong.
I have changed. And in my change, I am learning to survive this life one day at a time and to realize that life really is what you make it. I am different.
We’re back to writing and hopefully the content never stops flowing from here on up.
Ye, the bad days may come
The lover may leave
The winter may not
Hey, the map of your palms
The temple you be
You’re all that you got.
Woke up this morning with my mind set on loving me
With my mind set on loving me
That’s it from my end of the globe.
If flowers can teach themselves how to bloom after winter passes, then so can you.
From a cool corner of Nairobi,