Hello my doves.

I’m about to start with the usual apologies…I haven’t been on here in such a while. I feel like you all need an explanation or pretty much something to get y’all happy enough to read this post. My reason is as elementary as they come…I lost my desire to write I forgot my password. It happens. If y’all know me or have read my blog the past couple of years, you know by now that my memory is my most unforgiving quality…plus it seems to be worse when I happen to have a gazillion passwords taking up space in my brain frame. I blame it on the internet and its insistence to let you stay logged in for so long that it hardly ever occurs to you to remember that there was a password input option.

Anywho, enough about my trivial issues and problems with passwords and excuses….let’s get into the post for today at least (before I forget the content).




1. make or become different.

2. take or use another instead of.

I remember a piece of advice I got a minute ago. It was that change happens whether you notice it or not. Have you ever realized that you never really remember how you looked in the mirror yesterday or a few years ago (unless you have selfies to refer to, but even then you sit and question if that face really belongs to you)?

Sometimes we stare at our reflections in the mirror and ask whether we’ve changed and by how much…knowing that because we’re completely used to seeing our faces, we don’t notice how it changes day by day.

One minute you’re staring at your baby face and fast-forward a few years later you’ve noticed a wrinkle on your forehead and you have to remember who it is that you’re looking at. Ok, maybe it’s just me who has these thoughts in her head. ….Really? Y’all don’t forget how you looked yesterday? I mean you have a general idea but you can’t exactly recall what your face looked like the day before? …hehehe…if you don’t have this struggle, then neither do I.

Back to change.

Most changes are pointed out by people who are around you enough to notice the details. Forget that distant auntie who reminds you about how the last time they saw you was when you were 2 months old… come on. What is the point of that statement?  No quiero entender.

You may not realize that you’ve changed in some way but there are people around you who manage to catch the small things. You also tend to notice how others morph as opposed to your own self.

Over the past month, I went on a bit of a soul-searching mission. I hadn’t planned on it, but certain things happened or kept happening which led me to wonder exactly what the hell is going on and why did I seem to have been caught unaware.

Adulting is, in my book, an absolutely made-up concept. Hear me out though. I think it’s a farce how one day you wake up and suddenly you have to take care of yourself, your thoughts, your relationships, your heart…It’s a lot to take on.


Sometimes you get caught up in the schedules and repetition of activities in your life and like me, wake up one morning with an overwhelming feeling of the unknown. The “Who am I?” , the “Where am I?” the “Why am I?”, the “When am I?” and finally the “What am I?”. I woke up feeling suffocated and uneasy about my own state of mind. I think it was a mental breakdown and I was emotional about even the thought of getting ready to go to work. It had come as no surprise though, seeing as the week before that, I had cried at my desk every damn morning. The overwhelming feeling that life was catching up with me and I wasn’t ready to deal with it.

A whole episode of constantly wanting and needing to crawl back into bed and spend my day in the blissful escape that is sleep. But nope! I couldn’t have that because I had to be at work. It was a vicious cycle that was suffocating and demoralizing. I was lost. Lost in my mind and in being lost in my mind, I was lost to everyone around me.

So I had a sit down with myself after a particularly intense hyperventilation episode and analyzed what was happening in and around my life that all of a sudden made me feel super overwhelmed. After months, I had realized that I had stopped giving myself that much-needed “Me Time” to reset and reload. I had gotten so busy that I no longer did the things that brought me at least a semblance of joy. I had refrained from thinking about anything else other than work and baking and work and baking and work and baking. I was stuck in a loop.

I had changed.

Without realizing it, I had changed and I didn’t like it.

Someone once said that adulting is a constant battle of crying to yourself and ignoring the anxiety and pushing through. What they don’t tell you though, is that one day, you burn out and life no longer holds that appeal. I think it’s the worst mentality to have. To “just keep doing what you’re doing and it’ll get better.” Darling, something only gets better when you change an aspect of it so it functions better. So doing the same thing and expecting a change has to be the dumbest mentality one can have. Real Talk.

After my month of feeling like I was stuck in a rut and having lost the “ME” I was before, I sat down and just breathed. Deep deep breaths that moved my entire body. Deep deep breaths that made me feel as though I could smell the salty ocean water from 460km away. Deep deep breaths that had me feeling lighter…or maybe I was light-headed…come to think of it, it may have been the latter. Deep deep breaths that left me feeling uplifted (Again, it may have been light headedness 😀 ).

I came across a social media post by Nayyirah Waheed:

take off your life- Nayirrah

Change is inevitable and can catch you unaware but the thing to keep you level-headed is to simply pause, breathe and reset every so often so that the feeling of being overwhelmed doesn’t get too strong.

I have changed. And in my change, I am learning to survive this life one day at a time and to realize that life really is what you make it. I am different.

We’re back to writing and hopefully the content never stops flowing from here on up.

Ye, the bad days may come
The lover may leave
The winter may not
Hey, the map of your palms
The temple you be
You’re all that you got.

Woke up this morning with my mind set on loving me
With my mind set on loving me


That’s it from my end of the globe.

If flowers can teach themselves how to bloom after winter passes, then so can you.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂


Worthy Of Life

Hello my doves.

Guess we’re trying to get back into this rhythm, one post at a time. Y’all good? We good? I’m good. So I’ve been thinking, and I’ve been reading and I’ve been talking to a whole bunch of people about a lot of things that have affected/ are affecting / will affect our lives currently.

I came to realize one thing. Everyone(okay, maybe just the tiny group of humans I had a chat with) seems to be putting something before themselves. I don’t know when life started moving “So fast” and now we’re the ones trying to catch up to that damn train.

We’re letting so much take-over our energy, our beings, our lives that we don’t seem to have time for what made us tick.

We’re chasing dreams that we set for ourselves with a time-line.

We’re chasing dreams that our parents had for us before we were even conceived.

We’re chasing dreams that our employers had for us when they built these companies.

We’re chasing dreams that our spouses had for us before they even contemplated a life-long partner.

We’re no longer chasing our own dreams…let’s be honest. If you think about it really long and deep enough, you’ll realize that at one point you set down that goal for a second and focused on something else only to realize much later when you’re in such a situation, that “Sweet heavens! I dropped me.” And then you too realize that sometimes nobody picked “me” up.

Sometimes we fall short, because we do things and expect something in return as an acknowledgement for doing that good deed. This might be why we get hella frustrated when there’s nothing being reciprocated for the “good” that we did or that we keep doing. We keep doing things with an intention of being “paid back” when really we should be making things work on the mere fact that it’s a good deed…point blank period.

I think that’s one of the ways in which we’re flawed as human beings. Throw the whole damn civilization away because we’re literally that hella screwed up batch that overstayed its welcome in the oven and nothing you do will be able to salvage the burnt mess that we turned out to be so that it can have a semblance of being edible. Is it a part of our DNA to just want things done for us in return for the mere fact that we did something else?

Where did we go wrong?

Do we even know what dreams we are trying to keep alive anymore? When was the last time you found yourself thinking about something that you had set your mind to doing; well except for what is at your desk every morning? If your day job is your dream job then, good on you kind soul…but if it’s not, what steps are you taking to make yourself reach your dream?

I’m one of those people who are constantly thinking and thinking and analysing and ….well, you get the drift. So I’m constantly in my head about how I need to do this and that so that I can get something done at some point that’ll make me happy or something of the sort.

I’m living in the future while juggling the present and being haunted by the past. It’s a hard balance to juggle but I guess we’re all in this rat race called life.

Instead we should be living in the present, having learnt from the past while thinking about the future.

Do that which makes you happy though.

worthy of desires

If you find yourself living too much in the future, remind yourself that life comes at you fast. It also doesn’t wait for you to catch up to it. It doesn’t wait for you to change or make up your mind. It goes on so in the end, it kinda feels like you’re the one trying and seemingly failing at catching up. Interesting eh? But that’s the reality.

This game of catch up is what always has us wondering whether we’re worthy to live the life we’re living. Whether we’re deserving of the breathes we take on the daily. Whether we’re appreciative of the life we’re trying to live in order to reach that one which we’re trying to build for ourselves. Whether we’re happy with our pursuit of happiness or we’ve fallen of the wagon. Whether we are deserving of being able to take each and  every breathe we currently are.


Are we worthy of life?

If our goals have been set aside in order to survive our daily struggle…

If our hopes and dreams have been left on the sidelines as we deal with more seemingly pertinent issues…

If our desires for a better tomorrow have been overrun with catering for our todays…

If our dreams have been forgotten because we’ve gotten used to doing what we need to do in order to get to those dreams…stuck in the foundation stages without any desire to leave and move up…

If our insecurities run our lives, our relationships, our interactions, our thoughts and subsequently our dreams…


Are we worthy of life?


The answer to this is an obvious YES! We are still worthy of life. It never matters whether you’re doing what you wanted to be doing at whatever point in life you are in at the moment you’re reading this. It never matters whether you stumbled along the way…as long as you find a way to right yourself in your path, you are worthy of life. It never matters whether you aren’t where you want to be in life, and feel as though you seem to be taking one step forward and a hundred back, you are worthy of life.

Key takeaway is that we are all worthy of life and no-one has the authority to tell you otherwise.

I had a chat with someone the other day and it put all this into perspective. The topic had something to do with acquired wealth, I think. So I asked “What were my grandparents doing when other people’s grandparents were stealing fortunes and investing etc etc.” Kinda controversial but I know the thought has probably crossed someone’s mind out here. Where were they and what were they doing? I asked the same of my parents…where were they? And the person I was in conversation with asked me “But Moxie, where are you now that people are stealing and investing for their futures?”

Yeah. That’s right. You’re trying to be a decent human being, getting your education, starting your business and building your legacy. This game of life is all about the hand dealt to you. Luck. I used to think it was all about hard work, but the system sometimes humbles you even more to remind you that “Hey! You should know people.” Maybe that’ll change…Hopefully that will change.

I guess this is why we set down our dreams for a while. To deal with the hand we got from life. To survive at least today, doing something that’ll give us a bit more hope and courage to go after our dreams tomorrow. This my doves, is why we are worthy of life.



I have changed. And in my change, I am learning to survive this life one day at a time and to realize that life really is what you make it. I am different.

We’re back to writing and hopefully the content never stops flowing from here on up.



Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins. 

The rest is still unwritten.

That’s it from my end of the globe.

Memento Vivere.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂



Hello my doves.

Y’all good?You get an alright. You get an alright. Everybody gets an alriiiight!!!!!! Yes, yes…this is me trying to wake my brain up and remember the content I wanted to put on here. See what happens when you’re adulting and forget to draft a post with more words than the title? This!


Anyway, now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s get down to sharing.


petty: (According to Urban Dictionary because my petty self had to find a definition that was suitable to me)



1. making things, events, or actions normal people dismiss as trivial or insignificant into excuses to be upset, uncooperative, childish, or stubborn.

2. A person who habitually overreacts.

3. A person who is purposefully childish with the intent of illiciting a reaction (sometimes funny).

4. An immature over reaction in retaliation of an undesired outcome.

kanye petty.jpg

In this roller-coaster of a short life, I have had very few chances to be petty. I don’t know if I just didn’t have the chance to or I hadn’t discovered the spur of the moment level of absolute power being petty comes with. When I say absolute power, I mean just that….ABSOLUTE POWER. Okay, at least that was the case with me. To everyone else, I guess they’ll call it childish.

See, I’ve always been the type of person who follows the straight and narrow; who would allow myself to be hurt just so someone else doesn’t get hurt; who would hold in my words regardless of how deeply unsettling I feel; who would just not reply to undercutting sentiments and what not; the HIGH ROAD is what they call it.

What happens when the wolf that the girl cried about finally shows up? We all know how that story ends. I’ve been on a low for a minute and that’s when I realized that there’s people who won’t understand your mental space regardless of how hard and deeply you explain to them that you just cannot deal. I devised a strategy to protect my sanity and mental space. Thanks to my nephew, who is as petty as they come, I learnt to accept my inner “Petty” and for a full day, I was surprisingly happy being the 5 year old, even when I didn’t utter my responses out loud. But that was….anyway, keep reading and figure out how this story ends.

Petty what? Petty Who? Petty Wap? Petty Crocker?

I’ve probably typed that word more than 15 times since the title so it’s about time we actually understand what the “millenial” version of being petty is.

Reply to my message after 10 minutes? Cool cool, I’ll reply after 20.

Post a tweet vaguely but explicitly calling someone out without mentioning their name? 

Saved a screenshot with intent to bring it up when you stock up on your ammo? 

Do you post cryptic quotes on the internet streets in favour of them being seeing by the intended party? 

Do you come up with a whole scenario in your mind about how an argument should have gone after it’s over? The replies you could’ve said? 

Do you mumble under your breathe or repeat the phrase someone else says in a mocking tone (My nephew is KING at this one)?  

Okay…first of all, half of these questions I got from a random page on the internet but the point is if you’ve answered Yes to at least one of them, then my dove, you are “part petty – part human”.

petty percent

The slight is often so small though and I guess it’s your own satisfaction that matters. The whole point of this post wasn’t to talk about how much pettiness is life. To be honest, a day after my “Petty Mission”, I was exhausted because I realized that being petty meant that I was dwelling on matters that did not deserve a second thought; matters that were completely worth looking the other way. Maybe I’m not cut out for that way of life. In being petty, I realized that I had began to think way too much about too many details that when brought together as a whole, did not matter.

petty but apologized

Being Petty is an extreme sport. One that I hadn’t trained for. So instead of finding some outlet for living in my thoughts, I managed to drag myself even deeper into that dark space.

~When you think everything through, over and over and over again, turning it upside down and right side up, as though you’re at the market checking on the ripeness of an avocado;

~When you find a different meaning to every action and reaction for the scenario that happened in your head versus what really happened;

~When you feel like an imposter in your own mind….and start asking who the new tenant is and whether you’re getting a cut from the rent they’re paying (If at all they are renting and aren’t squatters).

I realised all the above made sure that I had basically exhausted my petty quota for a while but as a result, I’d unwittingly opened up Pandora’s box of ways to think and I wanted to lock that box back up. I was exhausted. It switched from pettiness being a temporary release to it being a reason to nit-pick literally every word anyone said to or at me. The only plus side was that I realized that my memory isn’t actually that poor, I just need the “right” sort of motivation to be able to remember.

universes inside

If you’ve watched the TV Series “Touch” or anything that is based on the power of the mind and stuff, you’ll possibly understand what I think I felt like. My brain was processing billions of thoughts per minute which in turn had me staying up for almost 65 hours…and yes, a girl still had to be in the office with the delirium that possibly starts setting in when you haven’t slept for the usual number of hours. I was mentally finished. I thought I had chosen pettiness but clearly, it chose me. The people around me never truly realized the magnitude of the situation to be fair, and I found myself retracting from everyone because every single word in their part of the conversation held a different meaning.

I don’t think I really can blame this on pettiness though, but I realized for an introvert, it triggered something much deeper than my brain has been trained to deal with. Anywho, I’ll leave this one at this point so you can stop trying to psycho-analyse me.


This post got deep way too fast to be fair and this was nowhere near my intention. I had a billion memes planned and strategically placed to flow with this one but I guess, we can be truly petty one sweet day.

Change is inevitable and can catch you unaware but the thing to keep you level-headed is to simply pause, breathe and reset every so often so that the feeling of being overwhelmed doesn’t get too strong.

I have changed. And in my change, I am learning to survive this life one day at a time and to realize that life really is what you make it. I am different.

Everyone keeps a darker place
To lose control, you’re not alone
And when you come looking for embrace
I know your soul; I’ll be your home
Till you can breathe on your own
Till you can breathe on your own

Hold tight; you’re slowly coming back to life
I’ll be keeping your head up
I’ll be keeping your head up, darling
Let go of all your haunted dreams tonight
I’ll be keeping your head up

That’s it from my end of the globe.

I know it’s hard sometimes, but remember one thing; Through every dark night, there’s a brighter day after. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up and handle it.

~Tupac Shakur

From a cool corner of Nairobi,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂

What About Life Lately?(Taking Stock)

Hey there.

I hope you’re well and as pumped up for the year end as I am. If you’re not, listen to some Jidenna ( and get your good vibes rolling.

So, this is abit of a recap into the past month or two I suppose…I’ve been off the grid for a minute ayy? Not to worry. I’m still here.

Taking Stock 3.0:

Making: plans to put up my cake and cupcake website. **Finallyyyyyyyy** I’m way too excited for this one…choosing fonts, templates, pictures, stories behind each piece, how to spread the love via the website….all this and so much more. Let’s stay tuned.

Cooking: Hmmm, I cook every other day so I can’t start listing everything. However, I made some finger licking twice dipped spicy chicken drumsticks a couple of weekends ago…I see where all this food will end up, but you do know that bikini bodies are simply any body with a bikini on. *drops mic* P.s. some pork stir fry might be in the wishlist this week. 🙂

Drinking: Water and Orange Juice have been my staples for a while. Throw in some natural yoghurt and the angels shall sing to you.

Reading: Americanah – Chimamanda. Well, technically, it was one of those impulse buys because so many people in my circle talked about it and I had to see what all the supposed hype was about…yes, I’m like a year too late but I’m reading it now right? That’s all that counts. And I finished it. Sigh. I’m so done with books btw.

Wasting: No time trying to live each day as it comes. Life is too short to be sitting down miserable.

Wishing: for Christmas to get here already….the energy, the vibes, the people it brings together. I’m all about wishes.

Enjoying: some serious Naija music right about now. From Tiwa Savage, to Mr Eazy, Tekno, Patoranking…name them and I’ve probably jammed to most of it. Plus, the kenyan music scene is looking waaaaay up. I mean Dela and Fena are legit power women.

Liking: the delivery options everyone has these days. From make up, to food, to baking stuff, to drinks, to clothes. Love it. Keep up the amazing work Nairobi.

Wondering: Where to get crotchet braids installed without having that weird side part that’s like the red sea during noah’s time. *badum tss*

Loving: the random opportunities that seem to be checking in for the business. *Viva Cupcakes. Viva Cakes. Viva Velvet By Moxie *

Marvelling: at how some good lighting and the perfect angle give you such a good shot especially when it comes to food. Yuuuuuum. Maybe food blogging should be my next step.

Needing: More R n R. Preferably  by the beach, with a couple of drinks and good company. Seems like all the good vibes are stored in the ocean so I need to make like a boat and sway in that direction. Hey December, I see you. 🙂

Smelling: Warm Vanilla Sugar Body Splash and a helluva like chocolate too because I baked some legit death by chocolate cupcakes.

Following: A helluva lot of baking shows, channels, instagram pages. Sigh. I basically live, eat and breathe cake these days.

chocolate-cuppies (*Thanks Google*)

Noticing: My hair is pulling some interesting moves. I recently took out my braids and decided to do a no-heat challenge for about three weeks before the next protective style goes in, and it’s simply fascinating. Natural hair is too versatile. 🙂

Knowing: that there’s so much good energy that’s around waiting for us to let it in. When you let go of the negative vibes, and the unneccesary shenanigans, God opens doors. All you need to do is let Him do His work and the rest will flow through.

Thinking: of investments and a lot of things finance. You know that feeling you get in your gut that tells you to stop putting your money where your mouth is? (Literally) 😀 Well, it’s been on my mind for a minute, and is clearly still on my mind.

Feeling: hella positive. My favourite time of the year (save for my birthday) is coming through and I cannot hold in my excitement for the good energy that is synonymous with December.

Bookmarking: Food blogs, because stealing ideas and what not…and also, photography videos…how to get the best shot regardless of whether or not you have a camera. Dear phone, you’re going to be used and abused.

Opening: My pinterest page lately. Hmmm, dusts off cobwebs. 🙂

Giggling: At Kevin Hart’s what now and Lip Sync Battle as well. Yoooooo. Lupita showed us the truest Kenyan moves there. Seen so much of it in Westie. Go Lupita.

Eating: oven roasted sweet potatoes with cayenne pepper, salt and black pepper. Just om nom nom nom nooooooom.

(Craving: Bacon and bacon and bacon and pork chops and more bacon.)

I realized that taking stock is an interesting version of counting your blessings. So keep counting your wins and keep an eye out for opportunities. And really spread out the good vibes like the wind does with the dust.


That’s it from my end of the globe.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With life, love, sun and positive vibes(and a hint of chocolate cupcakes),

Let the good energy flow.




What To Do With The Gap

Hey there my doves.

I hope you’re all as amazing as Nairobi’s sun today. I’m alright, could be better but we’ll go with alright for now.

So, we’re NOT about to talk about thigh gaps and what not so just calm down.

Back to this lemon vibe. I didn’t even realize it was a series until I found myself having too much too say for one post…as is evidenced here and here. So here’s the last Lemon on my tree.

The month of August was a bit of a dark one for me. Simply because my eldest brother gained his amazing wings August ’15. I can do a multitude of posts in his honour but then again, that’s not really my style, you know?

I’ll simply write about the little things that seem to bother me about this whole fiasco we call death.

The Gap:

You know when you’re really used to something always being around and then suddenly by a stroke of something greater than all of us, it’s ripped away from you?

Well, that’s my brother for you. He was such a amazing figure to have around and only after his passing did we realize what exactly it is we had been taking for granted all these years.

There’s a spot on this earth that’s still being reserved for him and his presence.

There’s an empty spot that seems to haunt me whenever I think about this amazing guy, my brother.

I honestly have tried to fill it up in ways only I  can rationalize. However, I’ve had conversations(more like interventions) with a couple of my friends and they’ve opened my eyes to a view of life that was pretty different from the hole I had dug my head into. Yes, I’ve been playing ostrich for a minute. They basically reminded me that there’s always better ways to honour someone’s legacy. You don’t have to do the things they did whilst they were here with us, in order to feel closer to them.

I know this one all too well. It’s hard to randomly hear one song that is linked to them and not feel like your tears are threatening to fall. I always feel as though he’s never going to get the chance to listen to this music that he loved so much, ever again. So, I’ll be there scouring youtube, video after video, just to figure out what made him stick to a certain artist, and even remember the words so brilliantly. After I find one song, I proceed to play it, picture him singing along or bobbing his head to it and yet again I find myself shedding tears. Guys, can you picture it? I’m seated on my bed, blasting some “Heads High-Mr Vegas” or “Buju Banton” and my mood is more than sombre. It’s actually a bit weird but I guess that’s what death brings around.

when God took you home.jpg

The Gap:

A feeling of longing. A feeling of something missing. That’s what death brings about. “Emptiness”. It’s in quotation marks because the emptiness is definitely a construct of the mind.

How to Deal?

Reconnect with your Deity. I’m Christian and ever since I was a toddler, it’s been instilled into my mind that when you feel as though something is beyond your control, then it’s not your battle but God’s. You know sometimes we tend to ask questions that we clearly know, noone has an answer to but we seek to be answered. I’ve learnt with this gap that if you can’t understand it, only God would. Why do people die? Screw science and it’s idea of romanticizing death as a simple act of the heart not beating anymore. There’s more to it and once again, only God can explain it. So, when you feel that emptiness, read a couple of verses from the Bible and shoot a prayer up to God.


How to Deal?

Talk about it with people you trust. Sometimes, as I have learnt, talking to people who have been affected by the same tragedies may not be as effective. They still harbour the same pain, the same sadness. So figure out someone who’s outside of the range of these emotions and have a chat with them. It could be about the person’s life, about their music, about their randomness, what made them important to you, and how you feel now that they no longer breathe the same air as you do. Talk.

How To Deal?

Get out there and socialize. It’s never too hard to take a random walk in order to step away from your thoughts. It’s always advised to keep your mind busy especially when that time rolls around. Start a project that you know would keep their legacy alive. The other day in church the preacher went on and on about how this life isn’t ours to count on and that there’s never such a thing as gone too soon. It’s not our timing but a higher power controls it. So, in order to stop dwelling on the gone too soon aspect, we can build something that keeps their spirit alive. An art project, a visit to the less fortunate, a book, a blog; whatever you do, let it have a way of impacting someone else’s life. Make someone else take charge of their years and act as a reminder for them not to waste the hours on pointless shenanigans.

The Gap:

We always think about the could-have-beens, the would-have-beens, the maybe if they were still here we could have done this and that differently. It’s more than human to do this. However, keep your sanity and remember that you’re alive and you can find value in whatever you do.

My fallen soldiers are simply more than memories, they are the stars that light up the sky at night. They are the sun that shines ever so bright. They are the wind that blows each and every night.  They are the smile and the feeling of warmth you feel once in every random while. They are those deep breathes that you take and wonder why you feel so calm all of a sudden. They are still living, just not alive.

I’ll leave you with some Buju Banton for this post, simply because I realized that this guy legit sang about meaningful things.

Buju Banton – Wanna Be Loved

“I wanna be loved, not for who you think I am nor who you want me to be. Could you love me for me? Real love, no strings attached I want to give you my heart, Don’t want to take it back.”

And another song for the feels, From the amazing Dela (Kenyan Music is really something beautiful)

Dela & Gilad – Nakuahidi

Sina budi ila kukuaga kwaheri
Ninakutakia kila la heri
Naomba mola akulinde.

I promise you


That’s it from my end of the globe.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With life, love, sun and positive vibes(and a hint of lemonade),

Let the memories keep us venturing into the unknown and inspire us to live and not just be alive.



Lemons and more Lemons

Hey there my doves.

I hope you’re well and trying to stay warm…for those of us on this amazing continent…but for anyone else, enjoy the sun for me. Nairobi’s sun has been elusive for a long minute.


Lemons tend to be are bitter…so we must look for ways to sweeten them like a good deal. You know? Caramelize them in sugar syrup, ehhmmm,,,sprinkle them with powdered sugar, bake using lemons to give you some amazing cake. See where I’m going with this? And no, this isn’t a tutorial or recipe post so just calm down.


Referring to my previous post about “When Life Gives You Lemons“, i’ll add a few more lessons on here.

Apparently there’s a positive side to loss.

Aside from the obvious change in perspective and finding a new lease on life…there’s a positive side.

What death has taught me?

Togetherness. Be it with the family or with friends and acquaintances. Through death I have learned that bonds tend to be formed with the remaining people. You grieve together, you bare yourself to one another, you find strength in one another’s vulnerability. You grow and get through the motions together. It builds and repairs so many broken relationships because you all finally realize that there’s no point in showing animosity of any form when life literally can just fall through your grasp, right in front of your eyes.

I found strength in my parents and my siblings in a way that I had previously ignored. You learn to be the shoulder that the folks lean on…You see a certain vulnerability in people’s eyes that may at first shake you to your core but eventually you take it in and bask in the new ways to  bond that result from this thing we call death.


What death has taught me?

The mind is a strong strong strong tool. You can stare death in the face and still come out of it. You can stare into someone’s cold eyes and question so many things in life but in the end, the mind finds ways to cover up the death with new life. The mind can determine just how you get through someone’s passing. I learnt to alter my mindset to positive thinking. In the time I spent tuning my thoughts to seeing the positive side of things more often than not, I realized just how strong my mind is. It was as though my brain had figured out something would put a wrench in its works soon so it had to build up its strength.

That bad gut feeling is scarier than most. In the days before my brother finally came to the end of his journey in this life, I had some serious bad vibes checking into my psyche. You realize that sometimes your mind just warns you about something that’s to come. It sort of tries to prepare you for the surprises that life just keeps giving. But then again sometimes it could be nothing really. Mere coincidence.

What death has taught me?

To cherish and cherish the little things. I spend a lot of time just looking at small things like my toe nails and I remember how my brother had the exact same weird toenail structure. I look at my face and I see his amazing eyes staring right back at me. Death has proved to me that memories are forever eternal. I was torn up over the idea that I may have lost him forever and that in a couple of months/ years I would completely forget about the little things he did. However, as the days pass from 365 to 1 and from 1 to 365, I realize that it’s impossible to forget someone who you spent a few years on this unforgiving earth with. I learnt not to be afraid to forget because it’s more than impossible to forget. They’re in that song that is replayed over and over; they’re in that light switch; they’re in that bracelet and earrings; they’re in that hope that you’ll get to meet up with them in the next life and for them to tell you “I saved you the best seats because that’s what big brothers do.”

keep me in your heart.jpeg                       poem_2.jpg

What death has taught me?

Your family is not only blood but it also is in friendship. Most times you can’t get through something, then you realize that your circle is wider than you had once imagines so you carry on. It’s not about choosing friends but choosing the family that is bound to you indefinitely. It’s about learning to be there with smiles and with tears. It’s about knowing that there’s people out here who are, simply put, angels.

What death has taught me?

To pray more and more. To love more and more. To be patient and understanding. To appreciate those I have around me until it’s time to bid them adieu.

What death has taught me?

Regardless of the number of people you see depart from you, regardless of how many years you have spent on this here earth, it’s never the same. Just like with each new day the sun shines differently, each addition to the tally affects you different.


I recently told someone that the sun shines through different people. The truth in this has only just hit me and I realize that I might actually be just a little more in-tune with this thing called life.

My fallen soldiers are simply more than memories, they are the stars that light up the sky at night. They are the sun that shines ever so bright. They are the wind that blows each and every night.  They are the smile and the feeling of warmth you feel once in every random while. They are those deep breathes that you take and wonder why you feel so calm all of a sudden. They are still living, just not alive.

Let’s jam to some Shabba Ranks today.

Shabba Ranks – Ting a ling a ling


That’s it from my end of the globe.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With life, love, sun and positive vibes,

Let the memories keep us venturing into the unknown and inspire us to live and not just be alive.



When Life Gives You Lemons:

Hello my doves.

So, I’ve been prompted time and again to write about a topic that I really refuse to acknowledge. I’m not sure how many draft posts I can type up before I accidentally hit publish rather than “Save As Draft”. But I suppose I’ve had one too many lemons over the past few years so the bitterness I hold towards this subject is more than justified.


“Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?” 

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Morbid right? I never said it would be a happy post though. But since you’re all here, let’s keep reading shall we?

P.s. I hope you all are doing okay.

An amazing friend and blogger, Barbs, put it so well when she mentioned how we’re, maybe not all but most of us are, at a stage of life when death makes everything so real and that we can finally fathom the pain that comes with losing a loved one, be it a parent, a sibling, a friend…generally someone we have known and interacted, and who left a piece of them behind with every interaction (

When we were younger, we had halos of naivety and were protected by an air of innocence; so when someone passed, we were shielded from the realness of it by so many different things, but our brains did the most work in making sure we were “oblivious”.

Sometimes, it’s easier to blame the illness, the driver, the situation, the events that led up to it. We get caught up in trying to put the blame on something because why else would the good Lord just decide to take something away when it was a source of joy and hope to so many people?

You see, that is how I’ve always felt about someone’s passing. Blame it on whatever the cause was and hope to move on. Well, that was until my own brother passed and I had nothing to blame it on really. I couldn’t say that it was a terminal illness, I couldn’t blame it on an accident, I couldn’t blame it on anything except pure coincidence and that it was simply his time.


I have relived the moment over and over and over and maybe I just did not grieve or did I?

Maybe I just felt a tonne of guilt for not doing enough when I had the time to.

Maybe I just realized that death really was as final as they say.

I think I was numb.


I only felt like breaking down because it was “expected” of me. In truth, my emotions were completely shut off. I was a zombie. My body could not process anything, even the simple task of shutting itself off to sleep, I was more than afraid of that. No eating? Check. Relying on outside interactions to keep my blood flowing and heart beating? Check. Finding a routine to stick to? Check. Deciding not to focus on the situation at hand? Check.

I was literally in a dark room, and I wasn’t about to be bothered to find my way out from the pitch darkness. Because if I came to, I would see only sadness, only tears, only so many other people whose lives were touched by your hands, your words, your presence, your hope, your vision. I would only see despair….pity. So like an elephant in a room, I ignored it.

I remember sending the texts to people in my contacts. Looking back now, and reading through that specific message, I see how detached it was. It was short, and straight to the point. It was specific enough for anyone who read it to know what had happened without having to answer to “those questions”. I sent it to specific people, because I knew that the message would be passed on to the rest.

I remember being in disbelief for so long because I wasn’t able to understand just how someone I happened to be so sure of seeing at the dinner table each and every night, someone whose music I would hear each time I opened my windows and he was home, someone who shared an unexplainable bond with me; I just could not for the life of me figure out that I wouldn’t see them anymore, in this life.

I remember the anger at my brother and at God. Why? There was so much more that he had to do before death was even a plan. The anger was at my brother. Why did you just not say that thing you wanted to say to me but said you’ll tell me the coming week? Why would you not let me tell you that I love you at least one more time? Why would you not get to see your next birthday, you didn’t want us to celebrate you? The anger was at my Maker.. Why could You just not wait until after I had one last glance at him? Why did it have to be at that specific moment? Why was there no warning that You were going to call him back?

I had so many questions, and so much more to say.


But I learnt something through death,

Although it comes unannounced, in most instances, and although it wreaks havoc on our emotions and plays on our very ingrained ability to form regrets, it heals too.

Although it brings up so many questions, we can never forget that there is a purpose behind everything. Only God knows of His plan…it’s not ours to alter.

In death I have learnt to live and say things if and when they come to mind. I refuse to wait for the “what ifs” in this unpredictable life. I have found myself being liberal with my openness towards a number of people and things.

Death has a way of creeping in and tearing open scars that you would think had scabbed over but with every new soul that is returned to sender, you’re brought back a few steps. You learn something about humility and once again desire to fulfil whatever you think is your destiny, while you still have the chance to.


In death I have learnt to cherish the people who I believe matter or who hold me dear. I have learnt that sending a few messages filled with love and good vibes never hurt anyone. I have grown in death….actually no, I have grown in life.

It matters not how much time you spend with someone, but what is most important is how you left a mark on their lives and what type of mark you left.

Death always brings me to the point of questioning myself: If I died today, what kind of impact will people say I had on their lives? Was I just another human being that came through their lives and left it the same or did I make them change the way they think? Did I make them smile once in a while? Did I add some form of value to their lives?

We’re constantly stuck in a cycle of keeping up with time that has already passed. Stuck on wishing that we did this better, or we said this and that to someone whilst they were still around. Maybe it’s time to break this unforgiving cycle and start something new.

I say more of switching up the life we live to accommodate the positive energy that just wants to pour into our lives. Coming up with new ways to live and love the life.


I’m not about to watch someone I know come to the end of their journey on earth without them knowing what they meant to my life; be it how proud of their achievements I am, or be it how thankful I am to have them just move with me as I move through these 365 days we call years.

It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, what you do, or how you do it. What matters most, to me, is how people were touched by your hand.

What death has taught me?

Use the time now to patch up unnecessary grudges. Use the time you have now, to see and interact with the blessings(people) God grants you access to. It doesn’t matter whether you’ll meet them again in a few years or never see them again, all that matters is how much of an impact you can leave on their lives when you do talk to them or do something for them.

What death has taught me?

It’s not the end of everything. It’s a hint that you need to start/continue living.

My fallen soldiers are simply more than memories, they are the stars that light up the sky at night. They are the sun that shines ever so bright. They are the wind that blows each and every night.  They are the smile and the feeling of warmth you feel once in every random while. They are those deep breathes that you take and wonder why you feel so calm all of a sudden. They are still living, just not alive.

J.Cole – Love Yourz

No such thing as a life that’s better than yours

For what’s money without happiness?
Or hard times without the people you love
Though I’m not sure what’s ’bout to happen next
I asked for strength from the Lord up above
Cause I’ve been strong so far
But I can feel my grip loosening
Quick, do something before you lose it for good
Get it back and use it for good
And touch the people how you did like before
I’m tired of living with demons cause they always inviting more

That’s it from my end of the globe.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With life, love, sun and positive vibes,

Let the memories keep us venturing into the unknown and inspire us to live and not just be alive.



Who or What is a Writer?

Hey my doves.

I’ve been receiving so much positivity from so many readers and from life in general, it’s amazing. So here I am, back at it again with the blog posts. I hope y’all have been well.

Who / What Is A Writer?


The other day, well more like last month (Happy New Month guys, it’s finally the middle of the year)….so anyway, the other day I was picking up a hamper from somewhere, and the lady I met up with was first, really friendly and secondly, the sweetest human being ever. You know those random things you get into on social media and then the punch line is win a free hamper or something of the sort? Well that’s what this was about. Okay, the point of that back story isn’t so that you can finally see how much time I spend on the internet.

With this sweetheart, let’s call her Mo, she’s the social media manager at company X. Mo randomly asks me a question about what I do, well possibly because I was rocking up to her office at 2 in the afternoon, dressed in jeans, a vest and a sweater. I asked her to guess what I do. Here’s where it got interesting. She shoots me a scrutinizing look, like top to bottom kinda look then she she just says, “You look like a writer. Like one of those creatives that can sit behind a desk and put words on a screen and have people enjoy what you write.”

What? Me? A Writer? So I asked her “Why do you think I look like a writer? Is it the way i’m dressed? How I sound when I talk?” Mo said that it was in my eyes or something. I laughed so hard and asked her to get serious. Here we were, two complete strangers, carrying on a conversation like we were friends from way back when. She went on to say that it’s in my hands, I have a writer’s hands. It’s in how laid back I looked, it’s in the smile and of course the way I spoke to her with a certain command of English. So, I was flattered. If you know me, you know by now that flattery gets you more than 10 points with me. I then went on to tell her about the blog and that I write for fun, she read my latest posts on depression, looking all impressed (in my opinion). So if you’re reading this Mo, Hi. 🙂

We caught up a bit on how I came to blog and what else I do, she promised to buy some of my cupcakes, she followed the page on Instagram, joked about how she needs more energy like mine around the office, we exchanged numbers….New friend guys. Is this how networking works? I felt so accomplished on my drive home and so I got to thinking, What exactly is a writer?

Who/ What is a writer?

I always imagined a writer to be someone who lounges around with their laptop and/or tab, a mug of black coffee and glasses on their face(I picked this out of all the movies I’ve watched that have a writer in them), looking all dishevelled and slightly crazy. Words flowing through their entire aura being let out through their finger tips.

Kinda like Johnny Depp when he played Mort Rainey in Secret Window.


Thank you google for making my life slightly harder. I put that in the search tab and it brought me a lot of psychological stuff about whether you’re a writer or someone who simply writes. This led me to read through a couple hundred websites about this and now here I am sharing my profound knowledge, if only just so it stops taking up space in my mind.

A writer is, simply put, is someone who can pen down their thoughts onto a piece of paper in a manner that exudes meaning and can be understood by anyone who reads it. Based on this definition, aren’t we all writers then?

a compulsion to write
a love of language
a grasp of grammar and idiom
a wide acquaintance with writing in different genres and from different historical periods
an enormous vocabulary, together with an instinct for choosing words appropriate to context and audience
the ability to write despite discouragement and distractions

So does this apply to you? I know they do to me.

Do your words make people feel involved? Do they evoke emotions and concern? Do the readers flow with the words, like they’re being serenaded by a violin? Do you itch to write almost every second of the day? Do you have multiple pages of multiple books filled with blood, sweat, tears and of course ink? Do you not worry about semantics like How should I begin or where should I begin or is my writing good enough?

Then you might possibly be a writer. Or someone who writes. Screw the internet and the labels though. If you think you’re a writer, then be what you may.

One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment.  ~Hart Crane

And I found this quote which simply spoke to me, wrapped up my “writer” physique in a beautiful little bundle of words and was gifted to my sight.

The writer writes in order to teach himself, to understand himself, to satisfy himself; the publishing of his ideas, though it brings gratification, is a curious anticlimax.  ~Alfred Kazin


Elvis Costello and The Attractions- Everyday I Write The Book

Everyday, Everyday, Everyday I write the book

Chapter One we didn’t really get along
Chapter Two I think I fell in love with you
You said you’d stand by me in the middle of Chapter Three
But you were up to your old tricks in Chapters Four, Five and Six

The way you walk
The way you talk, and try to kiss me, and laugh
In four or five paragraphs
All your compliments and your cutting remarks
Are captured here in my quotation marks

Don’t tell me you don’t know the difference
Between a lover and a fighter
With my pen and my electric typewriter
Even in a perfect world where everyone was equal
I’d still own the film rights and be working on the sequel

That’s it from my end of the globe.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

with love and love and sun and positive vibes,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂

Behind the Smile (6)

Hey my doves. I hope you are all amazing.

*Nairobi sun please stand up?

I started you guys off with the definitions, went down to the so-named symptoms, moved into the statistics and let you in the know about how men also suffer from depression…and based on the facts out there, need just as much support and recognition as the women. Finally we cooled things down with how to deal with it. You can never have enough knowledge, so keep reading keep searching the internet. Find out about depression from more than just a few articles.


So I leave you with the entire series on depression. I really believe that I’ve been able to give you guys at least some insight into the mental illness. Enough for you to stop the stigma, enough for you to speak to someone about what you or someone else could be going through, enough for you to share your story about how you pushed through, enough for you to recognize the symptoms and put a stop to it before it gets too serious. Enough for you to know that it gets better and keep at this thing called life.


To remember: Depression isn’t the same in everyone.

:It doesn’t end when suddenly the person seems to be back to normal for a day. It’s not a phase. It’s not overreacting. It’s not a white people illness (Dear African parents). It’s not a show of immaturity. It’s not a sign of mental instability. It’s not a clutch.

:It paralyses in the worst ways but it can be dealt with.

Be aware. Keep your eyes open, Keep your mind open. And best of all, spread the love and it will come right back to you. Learn to see the triggers, and don’t let each other suffer in silence.


Stay woke.

^^I’ve always wanted to use this. ^^

Last though it should’ve been at the fore front, Seek the counsel of the Lord. A bit of prayer and meditation goes a long way guys. Whatever deity you worship, pray to them, read the Holy Books, understand that there’s a greater destiny for you and you will be restored. We are greater than the struggles we face by the day.


That’s the thing about emotional pain. You can’t say that it hurts here, get some medicine and you’re cured.

It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that.

You’re only human.

Remember that.

And you can pull through and come out on top.

You are golden.

…. part six …. Behind the Smile(6)

Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston – When You Believe

Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see your way clear through the rain
A small, but still, resilient voice
Says help is very near

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With love and love and positive vibes as always,



Behind The Smile(5)

Happy New Month. I’m sorry this was supposed to go up 6 days ago but I got slightly busy.

Here it is though.

The second to last instalment to this series about depression.


.How to deal.(for everybody else)

Openness. Availability is key to helping someone who reaches out to you. I’m not saying you drop everything and show up, but a few responses and texts here and there. A few encouraging words every other time.

Be conscious. You can’t say that you never knew someone was going through before it got too serious. You have to be conscious of the signs. The sudden mood shifts. Be aware of the random times when someone seems to be acting a bit different to the norm. You could spot a few posts on social media, you can spot it when someone who’s hell bent on having a good time, suddenly not wanting to be part of things. Does their smile reach their eyes? Do their words seem detached? It’s not always in the physical signs like maybe you noticed that they suddenly wear a tonne of bracelets and have a tendency to keep touching their wrists. Nope. The psychological hints are the hardest to spot but they can be traced no less.

smile change the world

Smile. Refer to Behind the Smile (4) to see what is so great about a smile. See the human body is set up so interestingly. It copies what it sees, pretty much subconsciously. See a frown, and your face automatically starts frowning. See someone laugh genuinely and you’ll be trying to fight back your own laugh. See someone crying and your eyes will start to water. See a smile, and regardless of the thoughts racing through your mind, your mouth curves upwards into a smile.


Don’t talk about yourself. It’s not about you. I know we’re plagued with the “Even Me” syndrome where we must relate everything someone said in order to understand a situation. You can’t pull that stunt when someone finally opens up to you about their state of mental disarray. To them it simply sounds like you’re not interested; even when you are. Maybe we can tone down the even me.s in such situations.

Listen. This should have been first/ second to being conscious I suppose. Most times, someone who’s depressed just wants somebody else to listen for a change instead of constantly hearing their own thoughts. So listen. Be the open ears they seek. By the time someone gets the courage to speak to you, it’s been such an arduous hurdle to overcome so please listen.

>I need to talk to you. I have something to finally say. I’ve been meaning to say this once I figured it out <<


Save your advice. I keep reiterating that they just want to share. They don’t need your advice especially when you have not a clue about what thoughts plague their mind. The advice is similar to talking about yourself; so unless you’re professionally trained, have none of that “When I feel low, I do such and such”. It’s hard not to give advice but you must resist the urge.

Build rather than destroy. Many depressed people, in my experience and in my interaction, feel the need to cut food out of their routine or overdo it. Find ways to get them to eat. Don’t offer criticism; they have enough of their own self-blame so this would only make it worse. Also, don’t downplay their condition. “Why do the small things get to you?” “It’s just a phase” “Get yourself together, that’s not how you were raised” “People out there have bigger problems Such questions nullify their disorder and completely try to gloss over their current state of mind.

He used to have recurrent episodes and would shut himself away and not answer the door or the telephone, but if I wrote him a note, and managed to push it under the door, he would tell me later how much it meant to him. Sometimes it was enough to coax him out.

Bring them outside. When you notice they hole themselves up in seclusion, offer them a polite walk, a quiet music listening session on the grass, a random drive even if it’s for grocery shopping….Let them reconnect with nature or something that’s moving and if possible, living and breathing. Just like a wound needs air to finally scab over, so does the mind when it’s thoughts become stagnant.

If you ever find yourself empty from something you cannot know or name, find a stretch of ocean, a field, or a mountainside, or even clouds or trees. Because there are 1000 simple ways to fill your tired soul so you can remember how to be, how to see, and most importantly, how to breath.

~Victoria Erickson

Share positivity. The universe has a way of cancelling out the negative energy, especially when it’s in excess. So, share positivity. If someone asks you to tell them something you like about them, do it now and ask questions later. If someone wants you to say something encouraging, just do it. You might never find out exactly what went on in their mind, but you brought some light into the madness that came with the darkness. Take up yoga with them, dance with them, breath life into them through the things that you do.

Patience. Being depressed, someone is more irritable, prone to quickly misunderstand others. So you need patience to deal with this.

Learn their triggers. More so if they’re episodes are recurrent. Let them know when a symptom pops up and point it out. It helps with the “drowning”.

Encourage. Encourage Encourage.

Suggest to them to seek professional help. And be supportive when they do. Don’t steer clear of them; You can offer to accompany them to their appointments without pressuring them to accept your offer.

Love. All we need is love.

Feels like i’m asking you guys to turn into angels ay?


That’s the thing about emotional pain. You can’t say that it hurts here, get some medicine and you’re cured.

It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that.

You’re only human.

Remember that.

…. part five …. Behind the Smile(5)

Jessie J-Flashlight

‘Cause you light the way
I got all I need when I got you and I
I look around me, and see a sweet life
I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight
You’re getting me, getting me, through the night
Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes
Can’t lie, it’s a sweet life
Stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight
You’re getting me, getting me, through the night


From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With love and love and positive vibes as always,