Hey there my doves.
I’m sorry, with dealing with school and projects and life, I guess I haven’t prioritized my writing over the past month…Je suis tres desolee.
So, I think this one has been a long time coming but, finally, it’s going up.
I’m going to do a series of posts about depression. I just read a book, spotted a few posts on social media, spoke to someone about this “topic”. It’s going to be a spaz of “emo” but then again, why is there a need to be labelled as such?
On with it then.
(Maybe it’s the weather…I told you guys the universe speaks to me in more ways than one. My mood and entire aura tend to be played by the hands of the weather man and the atmosphere as I have noticed ever since I started being aware of myself. With the positive vibes and the doing what makes me feel good…shutting out the negative aspects and closing doors on toxic attitudes and company.)
Don’t close the tab now that you’re reading. Just go through till the end I suppose.
It’s a mood disorder.
It’s not a one-size fits all description.
It’s a consistent low mood…coupled with feelings of worthlessness, a touch of irritability, a mad at the world attitude, a desire to want to be alone but away from your thoughts, a deep seated emotional burden, a spectre of random thoughts…suicide could always be an end game.
You seek everything and anything that you feel would take you away from the feeling. It’s suffocating. It’s deep entwined within your being. It’s “embarassing” to allow yourself to accept to let other people in on your struggles…because there a bigger problems out there…what with hunger, and earthquakes, and financial problems. There’s something bigger to worry about…apparently.
You desire and try to be happy. You put on the biggest smile you can conjur, try to look as bright as you want to feel. Around everyone else, you try to stand out as the happy one. Key word is try.
You downplay yourself. You downplay your state. You disregard what feels real to you. To dissociate from reality basically. You get caught up in the game of acting.
Everything is alright. Everything is alright. Everything is alright. You are fine, always.
You see yourself as a burden. To others. You see yourself as a burden. To yourself. You find no worth in what you do. You think you’re worthless. You believe that you’re not meant for this thing called life. You express emotions almost robotically.
There’s a voice in your head. Screaming, shouting, whispering. It tells you all that you’re failing at life. It tells you that it’s okay to be broken on the inside but happy on the outside. It tells you that if you slit your hip, you can hide it with the waistbands of basically everything you wear. If you do it on your wrists, bangles and bands and watches can cover it up.
You’re stuck in the game of cover up.
You feel like you’re a shell…you believe it actually. You feel detached from what goes on around you save for your own thoughts. You go through the motions of life without really trying to find what adds meaning to yours.
You forget to eat
sometimes most of the time. You kind of want to forget to breath too…if only you could pin point what hurts. But that’s the thing about emotional pain. You can’t say that it hurts here, get some medicine and you’re cured.
It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that.
You’re only human.
…. part one …. Behind the Smile(1)
Well, aside from the post, i discovered Seinabo Sey….music stays winning.
Younger- Seinabo Sey
There is a light to all this darkness
I will tell you this
There’s redemption in you asking them just why it is
Why we fight to get on loving I’ve been wondering
How your mind will leave you hanging your heart lingering
then found by whoever stays around, forgetting
There is a way to be yourself, I assure you this
There’s a way to catch your dreams without falling asleep
You might as well get it while you can
From a cool corner of Nairobi,
With love and love and positive vibes as always,