Behind The Smile(3)

Hey my doves, New week, new found hope I should think?

The last two posts in this series were about “definitions” and symptoms….well, this one is about statistics and gender.


The stats and Chromosome XY:

It’s the inability to speak and reach out for help because you’re supposed to be man enough. Men don’t get phased by emotions. Men are hard core. As long as you have something that hangs between your legs and have reached puberty, petty things like talking about your feelings are supposed to be left to the female legion.


I’m a man. I don’t need the support. I’ve got enough testosterone to take care of myself so this feeling clearly, I can handle with zero support.

I don’t want to be seen as a failure by reaching out.

I’m failing as a man when I seek help; when I feel suicidal.

It’s in the magazines. All I see is abs, best workouts, protein shakes, guys night that simply entail beer, chips and a sport. Advice columns run wild with how to get the girl, how to satisfy your partner, how to stay in the game. There’s a distinct absence of anything feelings related.

Man enough? Hard Core?

When i’m hanging with the mates we can talk about anything and everything but the second you bring up feels and how you possibly can’t cope, we run for the hills. We just cannot talk about that stuff with our boys.

When I’m talking to my spouse/girlfriend/female friends, we can talk about the feelings but not in-depth. Barring my soul in its entirety to the female sex? I’m not weak. It doesn’t help that when we finally get to the nitty gritty of the feelings talk, she just can’t handle it. I mean, you tell me all the time to get in touch with my feminine side “feelings” but when I do, you don’t know how to respond to me. So what’s the point anyway?

I’m not a sissy.

When I finally want to talk, noone wants to listen. Instead, they bring up their own points and try give advice when all we want is an ear…I just want to talk about it.



Sometimes I talk to my mother, said an 18 year old victim, he took his life a few years later. She gives the best advice, but mom, I don’t want advice, I want you to actually listen and not tell me that I’ll grow out of this. It’s just a phase you keep saying. But mom, I’ve been drowning on and off for a while now. Listen to me.

So I turn to something that will keep the “unmanly” feelings away. The beer, the late nights, the obsessing over work, the smoking, the girls. I’m trying to drown out the voices. To drown out the feeling of not having the balls or not being man enough. I’m trying to show that if I gym just enough, my muscles will make up for the emotional mess that I really am in.

Blot out all emotions. Block out signs of weakness. I’m a man.


It doesn’t help that the male child has been on the back burner for a while as the world prioritizes the girl child.

Not all suicidal people are depressed, and not all depressed people are suicidal. Remember that.

I can’t pay my bills, I can’t get anything higher than a certain grade in school, my dad wants me to take over business and I’m not necessarily ready, my spouse passed on, my girlfriend left me or I left her, we’re physically apart for too long, how will I provide for my kids? What kind of father will they look up to? I’m the strong one, they can’t see my tears, they can’t catch sight of my defeat.

I’m a man.

Figure out the triggers. Be conscious of what your mind and body are trying to tell you and be conscious of those in your circle…seek to be involved, legit involved; no superficiality.

That’s the thing about emotional pain. You can’t say that it hurts here, get some medicine and you’re cured.

It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that.

You’re only human.

Remember that.

…. part three …. Behind the Smile(3)

Coldplay – Fix You

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

I will try to fix you.

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With love and love and positive vibes as always,




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