Hey there my doves.
I hope you’re all as amazing as Nairobi’s sun today. I’m alright, could be better but we’ll go with alright for now.
So, we’re NOT about to talk about thigh gaps and what not so just calm down.
The month of August was a bit of a dark one for me. Simply because my eldest brother gained his amazing wings August ’15. I can do a multitude of posts in his honour but then again, that’s not really my style, you know?
I’ll simply write about the little things that seem to bother me about this whole fiasco we call death.
You know when you’re really used to something always being around and then suddenly by a stroke of something greater than all of us, it’s ripped away from you?
Well, that’s my brother for you. He was such a amazing figure to have around and only after his passing did we realize what exactly it is we had been taking for granted all these years.
There’s a spot on this earth that’s still being reserved for him and his presence.
There’s an empty spot that seems to haunt me whenever I think about this amazing guy, my brother.
I honestly have tried to fill it up in ways only I can rationalize. However, I’ve had conversations(more like interventions) with a couple of my friends and they’ve opened my eyes to a view of life that was pretty different from the hole I had dug my head into. Yes, I’ve been playing ostrich for a minute. They basically reminded me that there’s always better ways to honour someone’s legacy. You don’t have to do the things they did whilst they were here with us, in order to feel closer to them.
I know this one all too well. It’s hard to randomly hear one song that is linked to them and not feel like your tears are threatening to fall. I always feel as though he’s never going to get the chance to listen to this music that he loved so much, ever again. So, I’ll be there scouring youtube, video after video, just to figure out what made him stick to a certain artist, and even remember the words so brilliantly. After I find one song, I proceed to play it, picture him singing along or bobbing his head to it and yet again I find myself shedding tears. Guys, can you picture it? I’m seated on my bed, blasting some “Heads High-Mr Vegas” or “Buju Banton” and my mood is more than sombre. It’s actually a bit weird but I guess that’s what death brings around.
A feeling of longing. A feeling of something missing. That’s what death brings about. “Emptiness”. It’s in quotation marks because the emptiness is definitely a construct of the mind.
How to Deal?
Reconnect with your Deity. I’m Christian and ever since I was a toddler, it’s been instilled into my mind that when you feel as though something is beyond your control, then it’s not your battle but God’s. You know sometimes we tend to ask questions that we clearly know, noone has an answer to but we seek to be answered. I’ve learnt with this gap that if you can’t understand it, only God would. Why do people die? Screw science and it’s idea of romanticizing death as a simple act of the heart not beating anymore. There’s more to it and once again, only God can explain it. So, when you feel that emptiness, read a couple of verses from the Bible and shoot a prayer up to God.
How to Deal?
Talk about it with people you trust. Sometimes, as I have learnt, talking to people who have been affected by the same tragedies may not be as effective. They still harbour the same pain, the same sadness. So figure out someone who’s outside of the range of these emotions and have a chat with them. It could be about the person’s life, about their music, about their randomness, what made them important to you, and how you feel now that they no longer breathe the same air as you do. Talk.
How To Deal?
Get out there and socialize. It’s never too hard to take a random walk in order to step away from your thoughts. It’s always advised to keep your mind busy especially when that time rolls around. Start a project that you know would keep their legacy alive. The other day in church the preacher went on and on about how this life isn’t ours to count on and that there’s never such a thing as gone too soon. It’s not our timing but a higher power controls it. So, in order to stop dwelling on the gone too soon aspect, we can build something that keeps their spirit alive. An art project, a visit to the less fortunate, a book, a blog; whatever you do, let it have a way of impacting someone else’s life. Make someone else take charge of their years and act as a reminder for them not to waste the hours on pointless shenanigans.
We always think about the could-have-beens, the would-have-beens, the maybe if they were still here we could have done this and that differently. It’s more than human to do this. However, keep your sanity and remember that you’re alive and you can find value in whatever you do.
My fallen soldiers are simply more than memories, they are the stars that light up the sky at night. They are the sun that shines ever so bright. They are the wind that blows each and every night. They are the smile and the feeling of warmth you feel once in every random while. They are those deep breathes that you take and wonder why you feel so calm all of a sudden. They are still living, just not alive.
I’ll leave you with some Buju Banton for this post, simply because I realized that this guy legit sang about meaningful things.
Buju Banton – Wanna Be Loved
“I wanna be loved, not for who you think I am nor who you want me to be. Could you love me for me? Real love, no strings attached I want to give you my heart, Don’t want to take it back.”
And another song for the feels, From the amazing Dela (Kenyan Music is really something beautiful)
Dela & Gilad – Nakuahidi
Sina budi ila kukuaga kwaheri
Ninakutakia kila la heri
Naomba mola akulinde.
I promise you
That’s it from my end of the globe.
From a cool corner of Nairobi,
With life, love, sun and positive vibes(and a hint of lemonade),
Let the memories keep us venturing into the unknown and inspire us to live and not just be alive.