Behind the Smile (1)

Hey there my doves.

I’m sorry, with dealing with school and projects and life, I guess I haven’t prioritized my writing over the past month…Je suis tres desolee.

I’m back.

So, I think this one has been a long time coming but, finally, it’s going up.

I’m going to do a series of posts about depression. I just read a book, spotted a few posts on social media, spoke to someone about this “topic”. It’s going to be a spaz of “emo” but then again, why is there a need to be labelled as such?

On with it then.

(Maybe it’s the weather…I told you guys the universe speaks to me in more ways than one. My mood and entire aura tend to be played by the hands of the weather man and the atmosphere as I have noticed ever since I started being aware of myself. With the positive vibes and the doing what makes me feel good…shutting out the negative aspects and closing doors on toxic attitudes and company.)



Don’t close the tab now that you’re reading. Just go through till the end I suppose.



It’s a mood disorder.

It’s not a one-size fits all description.

It’s a consistent low mood…coupled with feelings of worthlessness, a touch of irritability, a mad at the world attitude, a desire to want to be alone but away from your thoughts, a deep seated emotional burden, a spectre of random thoughts…suicide could always be an end game.


You seek everything and anything that you feel would take you away from the feeling. It’s suffocating. It’s deep entwined within your being. It’s “embarassing” to allow yourself to accept to let other people in on your struggles…because there a bigger problems out there…what with hunger, and earthquakes, and financial problems. There’s something bigger to worry about…apparently.

You desire and try to be happy. You put on the biggest smile you can conjur, try to look as bright as you want to feel. Around everyone else, you try to stand out as the happy one. Key word is try.

You downplay yourself. You downplay your state. You  disregard what feels real to you. To dissociate from reality basically. You get caught up in the game of acting.

Everything is alright. Everything is alright. Everything is alright. You are fine, always.

You see yourself as a burden. To others. You see yourself as a burden. To yourself. You find no worth in what you do. You think you’re worthless. You believe that you’re not meant for this thing called life. You express emotions almost robotically.


There’s a voice in your head. Screaming, shouting, whispering. It tells you all that you’re failing at life. It tells you that it’s okay to be broken on the inside but happy on the outside. It tells you that if you slit your hip, you can hide it with the waistbands of basically everything you wear. If you do it on your wrists, bangles and bands and watches can cover it up.

You’re stuck in the game of cover up.

You feel like you’re a shell…you believe it actually. You feel detached from what goes on around you save for your own thoughts. You go through the motions of life without really trying to find what adds meaning to yours.

You forget to eat sometimes most of the time. You kind of want to forget to breath too…if only you could pin point what hurts. But that’s the thing about emotional pain. You can’t say that it hurts here, get some medicine and you’re cured.

It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that. It’s deeper than that.

You’re only human.

Remember that.

…. part one …. Behind the Smile(1)


Well, aside from the post, i discovered Seinabo Sey….music stays winning.

Younger- Seinabo Sey

There is a light to all this darkness
I will tell you this
There’s redemption in you asking them just why it is

Why we fight to get on loving I’ve been wondering
How your mind will leave you hanging your heart lingering
stay lost
then found by whoever stays around, forgetting
There is a way to be yourself, I assure you this
There’s a way to catch your dreams without falling asleep
You might as well get it while you can

From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With love and love and positive vibes as always,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂



“To My Brain Child”

Happy new month.

And with the new month, a blogiversary checks in as well.

It’s been four years guys…four years of you all reading my rants and mindspeak, either silently judging or relating to my posts.

Thank you for keeping up with the mind that is .theafricangirl. 🙂



Celebrate the little things.

Love and love and love.

Spread the light and positive vibes my darlings.

Also, how’ve you been? Good I hope?

I came across this song on my playlist and figured I could share it with a few hundred/thousand people. 😀

This game of growing up.

I only see my goals, I don’t believe in failure
Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
I got my boys with me at least those in favour
And if we don’t meet before I leave, I hope I’ll see you later

Once I was 20 years old, my story got told
I was writing about everything, I saw before me
Once I was 20 years old

Soon we’ll be 30 years old, our songs have been sold
We’ve travelled around the world and we’re still roaming
Soon we’ll be 30 years old.

I’m still learning about life

Once I was seven years old my mama told me
Go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely

Some music really resonates with the soul, am I right? Remember Chet Faker? It’s the rhythm of life.


From a cool corner of Nairobi,

Rich Vanilla ice cream and a moist dark chocolate cupcake,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂

So What Keeps Me Here?

I keep wondering what this is that pulls me back.

Even when you implicitly insist that I take my leave.

What keeps me here?

Hoping that you’ll once again hold me dear.

Well, as dear as you can really.


They say that time reveals all.

But I’m not ready for the big finale.

The curtain closing is rushing our act.

The director wants to yell “Scene”.

And by jove will this be seen.

I’m a defiant soul,

Always drifting closer to dangerous territory than I should be allowed to.


So, what keeps me here?

Oh yes, you have the one thing I cannot leave without.

That heart that beats ever so softly because its energy has been drained.

Years of trying to patch itself up can do that to the organ.

It’s supposed to be the strongest yet at the same time it’s weaker than I suspect.


So, what keeps me here?

I want to be here.

I don’t want it back, you can keep the heart.

After all, If I’ve survived without it all these years,

What’s the rest of my life with it?

I forgot how to live with that beat in my chest.

I forgot how to get used to the blood rushing in my veins.


I really forgot how to have that heart.

It’s in the way I fight.

I fail to put in my entire being (no heart remember?).

It’s in the way my eyes refuse to light up.

The essence of life comes with that heart remember?

It’s in the way the false happiness seeps into my being.

Again, you took it; But i’m not out here to cause a scene.

We’re already in one.


So as you keep it,

Remember it needs a bit of warmth.

It needs a touch of spirit.

It needs to be restored because the pieces are always willing to fall apart.

It needs a new shade of red, apparently bruised blue doesn’t look too smart.

Paint it, show it your impressive art.

The hand that broke it, finally gets to fix that part.

A new ego if you please…I think it needs that to survive.

A dash of love.

And finally, could you maybe talk to it?

It hasn’t been spoken to in a while.

Apparently, that heart is restored by conversation.

Keep it entertained.

Keep it yearning for what you have to say next.


Bring that heart back to life.


But remember, I don’t want it back.

Just keep it safe and I’ll carry on.

Like smoke from cigarette rising to the clouds.

I will carry on.


So what keeps me here?

My heart.


Yeah. Trying out a new series on poetry because someone asked me what happened to the poems that were present in the beginning?

So I’ll pull up a few throwbacks, much like this one…can you believe this was written in 2011/12?     /o\


From a cool corner of Nairobi,

With love and love and positive vibes as always,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂

Back To Basics

Hello my doves.

Happy New Year once again.

Maybe I should just scrap the “Hellos” for the next couple of months. You know where I’m from, in December we start wishing each other Merry Christmas from December 1st….and Happy New Year from January 1st until probably Easter. So get with the times. 😀

I hope you’re well, because we’re all well.

I figured that my first official post of the year(well not listing things) would focus on going back to basics. You know how i’m always saying that one need not have resolutions, if by the 2nd you don’t even know what they are? This is my version of resolution setting this year.

Am I the only one who has an out of sorts series of days? Like something about what you’re doing or how you’re acting simply doesn’t feel like yourself? It’s almost like you’re an outsider, looking in to your life?

Back to Basics.

A lot of the time we simply go through the motions you know? We embark on an unexpected (hobbit fans? non?) adventurous journey, full of energy, ready to conquer the world, and reach the destination we have in mind. Actualize our dreams. The success is so close you can taste it. Then we get caught up in the chase. We even, dare I say it, forget where we were headed and get sucked under the current.

The hustle gets too intense; it sucks you in. 5 or 6 days a week you’re running around like a headless chicken and on the one day you should be resting, social calls must be answered. Day or Night, it doesn’t matter, as long as they’re answered.

Back to Basics.

Life turns into a series of days just rolling on by like a camera reel. You find yourself wondering when the weekend will get here;

When that vacation will check in (either after school or after work);

When you can leave the house to be away from your spouse or better half;

You’re lost in routines which once brought you joy but now are seemingly turning into the bane of your existence.

Back to Basics.

When you start asking yourself what you’ve become.

Who this new person that’s controlling your body is.


When others begin to question whether you’re okay, happy, satisfied with the chase you’ve taken up.

When they start asking whether you’re really happy with what you’re doing or would you be interested in taking something else up instead…

Is that when you realize that something may be wrong?

Back to Basics.

When it gets here, or when you see the signs (which is pretty difficult) before the imminent burnout, remember the basics.

Remember Simba….Remember who you are.


Take a step back. There’s time you know.

Just step away from everything, mentally first. Because the mind is what carries the most of the burnout pressure.

Stop running and just jog.

Back to Basics.

Is the chase thaaaaaaat important that you can afford to lose yourself in it?

Sometimes, we question it when it’s too late.

It could be with work, with school and finally with your social life (includes love life).

Sometimes I realize that I’m not myself. There are those days when you do certain things and your own conscience comes at you like “What the hell bro? Who are you?”

The other day I caught myself as I was about to blow up on someone for something so insignificant and I realized that it had been building up for a while. The silent frustration; the silent anger; the silent stress of everything. So finally when the “perfect” outlet came I almost went HAM.

This is where I realized that Hey! Calm down. This is not you. So calm down.

Back to Basics - Chalkboard

The words Back to Basics written on a chalkboard

Back to Basics.

Waking up multiple times in the night.

Struggling to eat even the smallest meal or overeating at any given time of the day.

Desiring to sit back and chill but even when you sit your thoughts keep whirling around your mind.

Looking haggard and worn out when you’ve woken up even after a full 8 hours of sleep.

Getting annoyed at the little things or are overly excited about things that aren’t really up to your own level (i.e You settle).

The signs guys.

Back To Basics.

Take some time off when you feel the “different you” poking out from underneath the surface.

Take a breather. Remove yourself from social media.

Talk to people other than those who you speak to on the regular. Sometimes, the frustration sets in when there’s no new energy coming into your day.

Meditate. It’s actually not hard to meditate. All you need is to shut out everything on the outside, and focus on your “inside”. What is your mind saying? What is your body saying? How is your heart beating? Then calm your thoughts, and focus on breathing. Release.

Think of what you did as a child; did you sing? dance? then do that for a minute.

Think of something good.

Back To Basics.

Burnouts are common. You sometimes never even notice them. Watch for the signs, listen to your body, listen to your mind, just listen.

It’s all about resetting, not necessarily to factory/default settings but to a version that was less stressed out. Always, know where it is you’d revert to before you you claim to go back to basics and remember were you’re heading once the basics have been remembered.

Back To Basics.


A bit of a throwback for today’s post:

Because we return to basics to remember just how much we have strayed from our paths, or how much we need to simply reconnect with ourselves.


We will never look back at the faded silhouettes.

(Also check out Avicii’s song “Feeling Good”)  <= reconnect with what makes you feel grounded.


With love and love and positive vibes as always,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂


Another One For The Books

Hello my doves.

(Disclaimer: I drafted this on December 30th, so if you spot something that alludes to the “past year” and what not, keep this in mind.)

I figured my last first post would be about “counting those blessings”. You know that when you’re taking stock especially of the positives, then it’s simply the same as counting your blessings right?

Anywho, let’s get our dust coats on, our clipboards and note pads and take stock for the year that was.

Making: plans to be a gym junkie…yeah, my body finally decided that I’ve been consuming all the wrong things for too long. 😥

Cooking: Vegetable fried rice because what is plain rice?

Drinking: Water….been downing a little more than 2 litres a day and on the off occasion that I’ve reduced that intake, my body just cries foul. (on the down low, maybe that bottle glass of Robertson’s winery has yet to be put down.) and green tea(infused with mint).

Reading: For my CATs….smh. I had such a chill Christmas break that my brain just is refusing to comprehend that we’re back in school.

Wasting: no time spreading that “better yourself” mantra. Rethink your ways and work on being a better version of yourself. 🙂

Wishing: that I could see some people everyday really. But alas, when the universe has other plans, then my nigga you roll with the times.

i wish

Enjoying: the relaxation that I had the past couple of weeks. Christmas should come around more often….talk about cruising down the streets of my city, my town.

Liking: the responsiveness of my body and skin. Dear water, thank you.

Wondering: How much of an impact someone else can have on your life.

Loving: the learning process that is life. Was a pretty intense year (2015) and a lot of stuff was thrown at me, but we rise above it and carry on.

Marvelling: At how short December is,,,just the other day it was the 1st and I was making plans, and now four weeks flew by and boom! it’s January guys.

Needing: A proper vacation. I know, I know. It’s always going to be a feature. Even after a vacation is up, I’ll always want another one soon after. I’m human. Buuuuuuut that beach has called out to me for far too long.


Smelling: of such a flirt (V.S) Really trying to get used to it because my warm vanilla sugar stock ran out. 😦 I’m that one scent type of guy. And a hint of Chanel’s allure homme…something about this one.

Following: CHAAAAAARMMMMEEEDDDD. Remember the show about the witches and the drama? Yes. I just put myself up to watch season 1-8 all over again. Who’s with me?

Noticing: That i’ve been getting bat shit angry at things lately. What’s upsetting my chi? I need to find that centre….Yogaaaaaaa. 😉

Knowing: that there’s people out there who recognize my blog and silently hope I keep writing…I see you. I love you. Thank you.

Thinking: about how I want to look and be in 6months, because graduation. I have enough things to set up before that happens. Plans. That’s all.

Feeling: Overly excited and happy at everything. I guess, when you let the right energies in, it works for you.

Bookmarking: pastry courses and schools….hmmmm…

Opening: the Justin Beiber page on youtube…and nope, it’s not too late now to say sorrrryyyyyy.

Giggling: at camp lakebottom. such an interesting cartoon.

Eating: a red velvet cupcake with whipped cream frosting….what are calories? You’ve got to eat all day every day. (Because it’s Christmas)


Well,,,I actually wish I had gotten around to posting this up last year after the beliefs series.

It still works out now innit?

Also, I found someone else who listens to Chet Faker like me. Talk about excited. It’s quite rare to find people who discover the same odd music you enjoy.

so have some Chet Faker; some psychedelic and energy moving music.

*release your problems*


Happy New Year my lovely lovely doves.

To taking our tasks head on, and hoping our plans are in God’s will,

To learning to love and be loved,

To desiring wildly and learning,

To giving ourselves permission to move a step forward,

To this intense pursuit of happiness.


With love and love and positive vibes as always,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂


Hello darlings.

I hope nothing too major happened between yesterday and today that would dampen your Christmas spirit or your spirit in general. If something did go down, you’ll be alright. Have some positive-a-tea. 😀

And the award for the girl who keeps her word goes to….*drum roll* meeeeeeeeeeee. 🙂

As promised, here’s le finale…la créme de la créme…the cherry topping my icecream, the icing on my cake. Part four baby.


Beliefs(part4): LOVE

Hahahaha. I couldn’t not talk about love meeeeehn. It’s like asking me not to be myself, and that’s a tall order yo!

So let’s get into it.

What is love?


Is love suffering through the nights and days, hoping it gets better?

Is it crying yourself to sleep every other night because of some sort of emotional or even physical abuse(p.s. my friend, because you know how great my circle is, did a post about sexual harassment and it’s such an eye opener, so do check her out. Actually all her posts are captivating and simply amazing so check the posts out at

Where was I? Yeah, what is love?

Is it I’m in love with you, only when I can see you but the second we’re away from each other, what is a better half?

…Heeeey. Let me take a breather. I’ve jumped the gun too quick.

What is love?

It is selfless and pure.

How else can you explain kids loving their parents? Call it a sense of dependence but at 18, you still think of it as dependence and not love? I mean you are at liberty to leave them and forget them….like thanks guys, it’s been real. Thanks for you know, the past 18years (+9months), sayonara guys.

It is human.

If someone tells you that they don’t know how to love, it’s a farce. But that’s agape love.

Let’s return to that gun we had jumped earlier…(Actually, how is that an acceptable phrase? What do you mean jumping the gun?)

What do you go into a relationship with? What mindset do you have once you fall for someone? Hmm?

Some people were brought up knowing that love is when you clean and cook for your spouse…

Others were told that as long as you bring home the bacon(I could go for some right now actually) then that’s love.

For some, as long as you spend time with each other once a week, but can ignore one another for the rest of the time then you’ve shown your love.

Shall I continue to call out these beliefs?

One story was told about a lady who knew that sex was only after marriage. So she went and got married just so she could have sex…see she also survived under the notion that sex in a relationship is love. So the nights when they didn’t do it, she felt unloved.

Another story is told about a young man who was brought up knowing that gifts are love. So any girl he got with, was showered with presents but he never understood why they didn’t last because he thought he had loved them the only way he knew how.

The final one is that love is persevering. You see that young lady or middle aged woman who can’t speak out because after being assaulted by her better half, she stays there because he says he loves her after? The young man trying to stay focused because some  pretty young thing threatens to castrate him if he leaves so he stays because she says it’s because she loves him?

See, people’s experiences are a great example sometimes. Does any of this ring a bell? Have any of these been at the back/fore front of your mind at any point?

What is love?

Most of us get into the thick of relationships and courtships and eventually marriage with a notion. We fall in love with an ideal so when things go awry, you hold fast because you’re trying to protect that ideal.

What is love?

It is no object. This one should be more than obvious really. Love isn’t an object ergo it cannot be quantified or measured.

It is not a moment. That’s pleasure guys. You cannot love only for a second or a minute because love takes a while to manifest but once it does, it’s even harder to dissolve and let go of/ get rid of.

What is love?

love scrabble


In my opinion, because sometimes you learn from experience and observing.

Love is an experience of oneself. You have to be at home with yourself. You have to know yourself and understand yourself before you can dream of loving someone else. Love is how you treat yourself before the facade you put up for others.

Love is being comfortable in each other’s skin. If you find yourself trying to change because of someone for some reason or another, then that is not love. That’s something else entirely. To love someone, you must accept that they are allowed and at liberty to see you for you and not what you want to show.

Love should not hurt. That’s self explanatory really. It should never be hard to love someone, it’s the circumstances and the situations that make it seem like loving is hard. (Have a listen to What is Love by Haddaway….*baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more*)

Love is a feeling, an attitude, an emotion. Love is simply love or as Paulo Coehlo puts it, LOVE SIMPLY IS.

So as you get into the thick of Christmas, show your love. There’s never a time like the present.

I realized that in order to come to terms with oneself and one’s purpose, you need to let go of “falling in love with a notion and an ideal”. Fall in love with love from now on.


That’s part….: 4 of 4 :…. folks.

I’ve received a touch of feedback from some people and they related to the beliefs series. So if you’re among the tribe, share it with someone who you know needs a bit of mental stimulation. It’s is only through improving yourself that you can better someone else.

Let go of these beliefs that are holding you back.

A belief is a foundation for what we do, it affects how we behave, it’s a force that controls all our decisions.

A belief is a feeling of certainty about what something means and it’s an assumption we make about ourselves, others in the world, and the way we expect it to be.

As a man believeth, then so is he.

So, what are your beliefs?

live your beliefs

With that, my wisdom and writing juice for the year is basically done. Thank you for keeping up with this africangirl, I’ll be sure to show up on your screens soon.

Until then,

Have some New Edition:

Merry Christmas and yall better make merry…and be happy. To my amazing readers who don’t celebrate christmas, Happy holidays my doves.

With love and love, positive vibes and Christmas spirit,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂


Hello my doves.

How much of a superwoman do I feel like? Walking and spitting rainbows maaaaaannnnn. 3 posts, 3 days and i’m still dre running.

Are you well? I hope so. I’m just seated here bumping to Christmas carols, with my Christmas sweater, sipping on some peppermint hot chocolate….tihihi. Don’t go skimping on that Christmas spirit.


Beliefs(part3): All Men Are Dogs

not all men

Let’s see how a common belief is given life and “purpose”.

This seems to be the biggest phrase among women across all generations. Why are all men dogs? If you ask around, you’ll be given the straight up answer that even my nephew could come up with, “All men are dogs because All men are simply dogs.”

And now let’s figure out the origin of such a deluded thought,,,you know if all men are dogs then the same goes for all the men in your family right? But that’s debateable.

So here the story goes:

You get onto the dating scene, 1st love, 1st boyfriend. You’re excited, You’re hopeful, You’re giving out 100% of everything.

You fall deeply, and you fall hard, and you honeymoon for all of 1 minute. If it works out, awesome.

However, when it doesn’t work out and y’all break up, that’s where the misconceptions come in.

You hibernate for a long minute, you cry yourself to sleep, wallow in icecream and fudge cake, you begin your “hate” for all things of the opposite sex.

And you say “I’m never dating AGAIN”.

Fastforward to a couple of months, weeks, years later and this nice guy comes a-knocking. You start to fall but then you remember that the previous time, your 100% didn’t get you anywhere, so this time you go in at 80%. You go in with an element of “If it works then that’s cool, and if it doesn’t then i’ll be done with men for good.”

A few months go by and you’re hopeful then something happens and the relationship comes to an end. Pow. That’s another blow to your ego…

You begin to question what’s wrong with you, and why you’re attracting temporary people in your life. What IS wrong with you? Nothing is wrong with me you would most definitely argue. Then you conclude that it must be the guys, like what the hell is wrong with them?

Cue the next potential gentleman. Well, he could be pulling all the right strings and stops to prove that it could work, but you’re at 60% bro. You’re putting in 60% babes. Yet you expect someone who’s giving 100% not to notice it? So he treats you like that 60%, and when you call it quits, you immediately ask yourself “why are they dogs?”

So guess what? At this point if you think you’re dating dogs then it means that you’re just as much of a dog as the men you deal with darling.

Next relationship, 40% in, 60% out. You go in with one foot already outside the door. You probably were an athlete in a past life, but that’s irrelevant here. You know it’s over before you get into it so you just date for the sake of it. Sigh. And you think to yourself, if all i’m attracting are dogs then why not play that game then. This is definitely how players come about or so I think. See, you’re a bitch now, yeah because dogs don’t date humans, they date other dogs.

But when you get to that 20% input point,,,chill.

See that’s a belief, based on experience and own knowledge and experience. You went in with a heart of gold, and came out of the “battle” with shards of glass and sand.


How to change this mindset? (Change it such that if ever you go back to dating and things end, then it doesn’t affect your perception of the next suitor that comes into your life).

The amazing lady at the session (as mentioned somewhere in part 1) took us through the motions.

Step 1: Take yourself out of the game. When you get to the point of doing it just because, then step out of the scene for a minute. The rationale behind this step is that you’re going into it for all the wrong reasons now.

Step 2: Stop blaming the men. All these guys you’ve dated have nothing in common amongst themselves unless they were brothers, cousins, friends. The only other thing that brought them together is YOU. So stop blaming them.

Step 3: Don’t blame yourself. Trying to pin the blame on something never resolves anything really. If you haven’t noticed it as you’re growing up, then realize it now. The blame-game never works.

Step 4: Look into yourself. Reassess your ideals, your intentions, understand who you are without the relationships. Date yourself first. This tends to be hardest really. Because we have egos from here to the sun so sitting down and looking within yourself doesn’t really appeal to us.

Before you get back in the game, you need to come to the conclusion  that not all men are these supposed “Dogs” baby.

It took you a long time to go from 100% to that 20% and now you need to build it back up from that 20% to a proper 100%. Trust, must start with yourself. If you don’t trust yourself then you won’t trust anyone else and you won’t allow them to trust you.

Befriend yourself, see how hard it is to be your own friend or how smooth , easy breezy it is.

Step 5: Reconcile with yourself.

Accept that you haven’t been treating yourself right and by this, you also haven’t been treating everyone else right. And by virtue of this, others also don’t treat your right because they see how you value yourself.

Step 6: Replace the belief that all men are dogs with new knowledge. This new knowledge comes from books (read and read and read), videos and other people who have seen the “light” and have proven that men aren’t dogs.

This is the most important step actually. You cannot switch up a belief without replacing it with new knowledge.

replace the beliefs.jpg


Step 7: Get back in the scene once you’ve reconciled with yourself. Doesn’t mean that you wear your heart on your sleeve, but be more open minded. :*

And with that folks, I’m done with these all men are dogs shenanigans. Ps. dogs can be replaced with players, untrustworthy, useless, inferior…you know the whole shabang that the internet alludes to.

Superficial beliefs….check yourself.

That’s part….: 3 of 4 :…. folks, I’ll probably put up all parts by the end of the week so brace or embrace(because *hugs*) yourselves.

Until then,

Have some Sam Feldt:

Tired of giving my love and getting nowhere

Isn’t this song just the bombdiggity?

Tomorrow’s another day folks.

With love and love and oceans of Christmas spirit,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂

Beliefs (2)

sanat hat *whispers “Christmaaaaassssss”*

Hollaaaaaaa darlings.

So I’m here casually churning out post after post….woaaaaaaah.

Are y’all good? I hope so and that nothing devastating happened between yesterday and today.

On with it I suppose?


The last post was about good vs bad personality and behaviour.

This one’s about life(the stages) in general. And yes, it all is from the same amazing speaker as I had mentioned.

As a kid, you grow up with a lot of people expressing their wisdom. The proverbial “by this age you should have done this and that” …

You see failure is taught to us from when we literally don’t even know our own bodies and the difference between girls and boys.

The other I bumped into this small kid who asked me why I don’t have my own car. I flat out laughed, then I looked at the serious faced kid and asked, why would you ask that? And he replied, “Because my mum says that big people who don’t drive don’t have money.”


A kid, who’s a little less than 5years old, said what? But but but……he didn’t know any better.

You see this is the kind of thing that many of us grow up repeating and repeating such that if you get to a certain age and haven’t achieved this particular thing, You think you’re failing.


Hey man. Where am I supposed to get a car and a house at 21 yet I haven’t worked for substantial pay in all my years of living and I would like it better if I didn’t have to get it from my parents? Does that make me a failure?

Some things we learn from the Western cultures hardly hold any water if they’re not copied in their original context. At 16, they’re clearing high school and can work to pay for their needs……When I was 16 I thought about Westgate and Junction hangouts like I was on a payroll. I had nothing else to think about because my folks back at work, were doing something to provide for my movie every weekend self.

As always, I digress.

There’s some things that are drilled into our minds from when we were young that If you look into at the present moment, really don’t matter especially when you consider thh change in circumstances and all that jazz.

The ideal life as has been passed on through generations goes like this:

Kindergarten at age 5/6.

Finish High School(inclusive of o-levels) at age 17/ 18.

Finish Uni at age 21/22.

Start working at age 21.

Move out at age 21.

Drive your own car by age 24.

Date and Get married between ages 20 and 27.

Get a mortgage(which is not the same as owning the house) or Own a house by age 30.

Ummm…first kid at age 25….

Second kid at 27 and third at age 29/30.



I’ll break there because well, I think you get the gist and the series of events.

You see where this kid wasn’t far off…(granted that I have a few years before I can be called out for not driving my own car). This is the vision most guys have.

But what happens when you get to 27 and you still are in Uni and live in your parents care? What then? Society calls you out for being a “failure”.

What happens when you’re 25 and have no future prospects to wed or be wed to? The women, the mothers and aunties, start to “get worried” and try to talk to you to see whether you’re the one with the problem. You get invited to talks about finding the “One”.

And what happens when you have a kid before marriage? Damn society. And there you are patting someone on their back when they sleep with more girls than the fingers on their hands.


So many double standards because “Beliefs”.


What I’m trying to point out here is that you should strive to achieve the things you set out to, based on where you are at a certain point in time. You can’t expect to drive your own self-bought car at age 16, here, because you’ve been in school from 0800-1800hrs, studying and not earning your own money.

So if that’s the case, why give anyone else a hard time?

Question those beliefs and then ask yourself,

If this belief didn’t exist, would I be different? (Would it greatly impact how I live my life and go about my business? )

If you answer yes, then look at whether the  effect on you is positive or negative.

Then reassess especially if it’s negative.


Don’t pass on shoddy beliefs to the generations to come simply because it’s what was said to you; I mean it didn’t work but because it was said with so much insistence, it must be true.

Superficial IDEALS….check yourself.

That’s part….: 2 of 4 :…. folks, I’ll probably put up all parts by the end of the week so brace yourselves.

Until then,

Have some Jess Glynne:

With love and love and oceans of Christmas spirit,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂


Hello there my doves.

It’s you? It’s you my man? You good?



BELIEFS(part 1):

What is a belief?

I had the pleasure of attending an amazing event a minute ago dubbed Restoration Experience. Dear ladies, if you need a touch of light in a schedule filled with too much dark, then you definitely need to be at the next one.

Anywho, the session was about beliefs.

A belief is something that you live by either as a result of something your experienced so you formed an attitude(positive or negative) toward it, or it’s a result of stories passed down and reiterated as you grow up(culture and tradition).



The Good girl vs Bad girl:

See, from the time you’re a young and very impressionable child, you heard the phrase, that’s not what good kids do, if you want to be a good girl, do this instead. To this you have two outcomes, strive to live up to that good girl image OR prove how much of a badass you can really be.

Once we have become the undoubtedly model “bad girl” or “good girl”, we still don’t stop to question the notion behind this belief. We may ask ourselves, why do I do this and that? And the answer remains, because it’s what good/bad girls are supposed to do.

We accept everything we are told without really questioning why the person telling us something, says that thing or believes it without a doubt.

I know you’re going over your lives and trying to decipher which one you are right now.

And now you’re trying to figure out the motive behind a multitude of your actions.

You recall that certain things were said to you by your mother, who was told by her grandmother and the family tree that extends further back. I don’t really remember the examples that the amazing facilitator used but thanks to experience, here’s some real life examples that I conveniently remembered as I typed this out.

Let’s say that you’re finally all grown up and have been doing the “bad stuff” i.e smoking cigarettes or drinking on the regular. You see, we do most of these things for our own pleasure, or rather, that’s the mindset I have when I dive into many of the things I do. So if you’re struggling to do them in secret because you don’t want to ruin the good girl image, You don’t want to be seen by the parents, your siblings, your circle, then to what end is whatever it is that you do?

The flip side works as well. If you do something on the regular just because you want others to see you as the bad girl, is it really working for you?

I’ve had the honour of speaking with a couple of people who have told me their struggles and with their permission, I can use their examples on here. One of the girls told me that the only reason she goes out, isn’t to have fun, but to prove to her mother that she’s that bad girl she’s always insisted on her being. You see, the notion that she’ll never be a good girl, pushed her to believe in it even when there was no premise or cause behind this belief. And now, she finds herself in the wrong crowd, always seeking an out but with the way her mind is set up, she’s trapped.

This other dime piece said that she has more tattoos than the fingers on both hands, ranging from full back, to thighs, to ribs to just about any spot on her body that she can hide comfortably with everyday clothing. I asked her whether her parents knew about it and she said that they didn’t. She had asked about it once and was out-rightly told that tattoos are for the girls who don’t know what direction their life is headed. Now you tell me, what damage is this doing to a kid who knows what they want in life and are working towards it, but with tattoos, it automatically means failure? Yeah…she’s a “good” girl with the fam but to everyone else, she’s the girl with the inked bod.

What’s the point of living a “double” life?

good girl bad girl

Think about it.

If you find yourself struggling to be this “good girl” or this “bad girl” then question what makes you believe that that is how to do things. Question the “why?”.

Why do I do this? Is it because I have been told not to do otherwise by someone else or is it because I came to the conclusion based on my own knowledge, that I should be doing this?

I’m not saying question everything you do,,,because some of the things we do have made us who we are,

But if you’re in the struggle to uphold an image….my dove, you need to reevaluate something somewhere.


Learn to reason and realize that “WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT YOU IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM”.


That’s part….: 1 of 4 :…. folks, I’ll probably put up all parts by the end of the week so brace yourselves.

Until then,

Have some Jessie J:


With love and love and oceans of Christmas spirit,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂

His Will

Hello and hello, to you and you and yes, you over there.

How are you my doves? Silence…I think i’ll just stop apologizing for not posting because I’m that repeat offender.

However, Is it too late now to say i’m SORRY?

wait what was that? What do you mean? You forgive me?

Well, then…HELLO from the other siiiiiiiiide.


I’m well, and I hope you are pretty dam(n) good….OK…I Quit, don’t go. I’m done with the wordplay. 😀

Today’s post is a touch different from my usual…There’s going to be a bit of a Godly undertone focus in this one. I’m a Christian, it’s no secret but I’ve realized very recently just what the words I speak mean to myself and to others.

You see, we lose loved ones with every passing day and as much as we say try to empathize with another when this fate befalls them, when it’s your “turn” the experience is much more different. Even with that said, it really doesn’t matter the number of people you lose, each passing is a completely new experience altogether.

I digress, even with topics like these I still deviate my focus.

help me


Anywho, as stipulated earlier there’s a different element at work here.

Being Christian, the number one prayer everyone learns and holds close to heart is the Lord’s Prayer(Matthew 6). We’ve been reciting these few lines day in day out from when we were young. We repeat them faithfully when called upon to say this prayer. We say it with such speed and haste sometimes that it becomes another routine as Christians.

Get it over and done with then we move on.

We know the words by heart but do we really know them?

The other day, more like the other month (been sitting in my drafts for a minute as usual), I was going through the usual motions of saying the prayer during a church service and midway, it hit me.

This one line hit me over and over and I just stopped to internalize it, to reiterate it, to believe it.

….May Your Will Be Done On Earth As It Is In Heaven….

You see, we say over and over yet when events and trying moments check in, we begin to ask questions and wonder out loud about what God’s plans are.

I’m prone to doing this more than I care to admit. But on this one random Sunday in the middle of this prayer it hit me.

Do I really understand it when I claim His will be done?

Do I really want His will to be done?

What is His will? Is the calling back of his servants considered one of His wills? Hmmm….fully unexpected and unprepared? Is the emptiness left behind His will? Are the tears we shed, part of His will? Are the plans we made to be with our loved ones, are they in His plan?

No matter how many times I say this line, I feel like I gain a different understanding of it with each and every new time. I internalize it in a different way. I take it in independently from previous interactions with it.

Is it just me?

With time I have realized that when we speak it, we need to be ready to live it. If you want His will to be done, then accept it when it finally comes…whether you understand it or not.

You learn to live through the curve balls life throws at you. We call them curve balls but they’re simply His will at play. You need to realize that you’re strong enough to endure it; some days may be better than others but it’s how you choose to survive through these worse days that matters.

You're strong enough

You’re strong enough

We don’t always agree with His will but we live by it, live through it, and live with it. C’est la vie. Yet that’s the hardest tid bit to accept.


I’m an advocate(Tihihi…) for making plans. A select number of people know just how many plans I come up with over the course of a week really. I always hope that my plans are His will. Sometimes when you make the most elaborate plans, note everything down to a tee and it doesn’t come to pass, you chalk it down as a fail because this went wrong or that so and so wasn’t on board but the reality really is that it is not our will that is being done.

“Now listen, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will
go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on
business and make money.’ Why, you do not even know
what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are
a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will,
we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast
and brag. All such boasting is evil.”

James 4:13–16

Maybe we’ll learn to accept the things we cannot change and be grateful for the precious moments, always.

Never too quick to get angry at Him but to understand that we’re not our own; but we’re God’s pieces and He makes the rules of this game called life.

So chin up, it’s always revealed in good time.


Some Tupac for this round:


Until next time,

With love and love and positivity about God’s will,


*Mapenzi.Love* 🙂